Vaginismus – Pelvic floor problems

A lot happened before I finally reached out to René. I grew up with a mother who saw sexuality – and men – as something negative. My first time was incredibly painful, even though I wanted it to happen because I thought, “It just has to happen at some point.” I’ve also experienced rejection, betrayal, and more of that kind of pain.

Looking back, I think part of me started to believe my mother might have been right. And maybe, on some unconscious level, my mind decided to protect me by making sex painful. That way, I had a reason to avoid it, and men couldn’t hurt me anymore. At least for me, it really does feel like that’s how it works sometimes…

Sexologist

Eventually, I was referred by my GP to a psychologist/sexologist, who then sent me on to a more body-oriented sexologist. Her reasoning was: “You already understand exactly where it comes from, so there’s nothing more I can do for you.

The body-oriented sexologist examined me and concluded that my symptoms fell under ‘vaginismus.’ I’ve never fully agreed with that label, but in the end, the name doesn’t really matter. Technically, penetration was possible – but it was so painful that I’d immediately shut down within the first second.

Huge impact

It had a huge impact on my relationships, because who would want to be with someone like me? Everyone has sex, right? Everyone wants sex, right? But it didn’t just affect my relationships; it impacted my whole life. I didn’t feel like a ‘real woman’ at all. For example, I would get incredibly angry (which, deep down, was really sadness) whenever sex came on TV again. In this society, you’re confronted with it almost daily, and that’s incredibly difficult when you’re struggling with something like this.

It felt like a wound – because that’s exactly what it was – and it kept being ripped open again and again. You can try to convince yourself for a long time that it’s fine, that maybe you’re just someone who doesn’t enjoy sex. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t true. There was a clear sensen that this was something I needed, and something I wanted to enjoy. For years, the inner voice repeated, “It is what it is,” but after 25 years after that first experience, it became clear: enough was enough. It was time to figure this out.

I started slowly, taking small steps, a massage (by a man, deliberately!), then a tantra massage (again, by a man). And that’s when I realized: if I truly wanted to move forward, I needed to find someone I could trust enough to go through this with… and someone who was willing to go through it with me.

Googling for help

So then you start Googling… But what exactly are you supposed to look for? Not a gigolo, that felt like something for a completely different kind of woman. Then one day, I came across a website where other women shared experiences that were strikingly similar to mine, and that’s where René’s name came up.

To this day, I still don’t really know how I found the courage, but after reading through his website, I sent him an email. I laid everything out right away, explaining my situation in detail. I wanted to be completely clear that I was a ‘problem case’ and that this wasn’t going to be easy.

His response brought me such a sense of calm and reassurance that we went ahead and scheduled a session. I immediately booked a hotel, one I was familiar with, so it felt safe. It was incredibly nerve-wracking, but I never seriously considered backing out. I’d come this far, and I was determined to keep going. No matter what.

First date

I can still feel the nerves from that first date, not knowing who you’re about to meet, whether you’ll even like him, or at least find him nice… preferably somewhat attractive too, because yes, the idea is that more will happen than just talking. Even if you’ve seen a few photos beforehand, meeting in real life is still incredibly intense.

But the moment we met, something in me immediately relaxed. René knows exactly how to put you at ease, and he took plenty of time to really listen to my story. I really appreciated that he has so much experience with women for whom sexuality isn’t something that comes naturally.

That feeling of being inexperienced, of being afraid of it all, that fades quickly. Thanks to a wonderfully gentle and unhurried massage that gradually and naturally flowed into an erotic massage, I was able to fully relax. René is kind, empathetic, careful, but also confident and decisive when needed.

It was deeply emotional and confronting to realize it actually worked – on the very first try. The thought kept echoing: Why did I wait so long? So many years without this….so much missed.

Sex is for everyone

Now, I see René regularly. First of all, because I’ve learned that I need to maintain it, and I want to. I spent so many years believing, “Sex just isn’t for me. It’s never going to work.” And eventually, your brain starts to accept that as truth. But it’s not. Sexuality is for everyone, and awakening that sexual energy is so important, it brings joy and connection in other areas of life, too. I know for sure that it’s made me a happier person.

The second reason is simply that I allow myself this time—these beautiful hours that I truly look forward to. The massage is still a big part of that for me. And it’s always exciting, even now. On top of that, being with René is just really nice—he’s easygoing, has a great sense of humor, and you can talk to him about anything. He has this gift of making me feel like I’m the only person that matters in those moments, that, for a while, it’s really all about me. And he never shies away from emotions; they’re always welcome, and that means a lot.

Enjoy!

In my case, the pain with penetration is still there in the beginning. But by now, I know it will pass, and that I can truly enjoy it afterward.

Even now, I still feel insecure sometimes. I worry that a session with me must be incredibly boring, and I slip back into feeling like that inexperienced woman again (which, in many ways, I still am). I know things must be different with women who don’t struggle with this, and sometimes that thought still hurts.

But I try to let go of that sense of inferiority and simply allow myself to enjoy it.

René truly feels like an angel to me. I’m so deeply grateful that he’s here. And honestly, I’m proud of myself for making it happen, because he didn’t just show up at my door. I made the choice. I took the step. And that matters.

Marieke