Dutch glossy ‘Linda’
The original article ‘Iris (31) spreekt regelmatig af met een gigolo‘, from the Dutch magazine ‘Linda’ can be read here. The translated text of the article is written out below. Also included here is Iris’ experience story she sent me after a number of successful dates.
IRIS (31) REGULARLY MEETS UP WITH A GIGOLO
“I REALLY DIDN’T EXPECT THIS EFFECT”
By Ellen Hensbergen
Iris* was sexually assaulted, and now, four years later, she has found a way to cope with the experience. She regularly meets with a professional – not a psychologist, but a gigolo.
Iris shares why she made this choice and how it has impacted her life.
Intimacy
In 2019, something shakes Iris: someone in her circle of friends passes away. It makes her reflect and realize she’s genuinely happy with her life, everything is in place. Except for one thing: intimacy. And because of her past experiences, a one-night stand isn’t the answer.
Iris: “Four years ago, I was assaulted by two men on New Year’s Eve. I didn’t fight back, I was frozen with fear. That stayed with me for a long time. It was incredibly hard and made me angry. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around for a while.
After that, I did have relationships and intimate moments, but I always felt empty afterward. I kept wondering, Is something wrong with me? You don’t just shake off experiences like that, but I wanted to learn how to deal with it in a better way.”
Eventually, she came up with the idea of contacting a gigolo or male escort.
“I’m not the type to pick someone up at a bar or club,” she says. “And I don’t want a new boyfriend every weekend either, this felt like a good middle ground. Someone else might go to a psychologist; I chose this.”
Online, I quickly found plenty of options, but also many gigolos who didn’t feel right. That’s why I took my time, read carefully, searched thoroughly, and thought it over before finding someone who felt like a good fit.
It was two months between my first email and our first date. I needed time to get comfortable with the idea myself.”
Gigolo
At the first date, it’s all about getting to know each other a little. Iris and her gigolo start with a cup of coffee and a casual chat about everyday things – taking it easy. Then he asks what she likes and doesn’t like. Is he allowed to touch her hands? Her knees? Her breasts? Yes or no? Step by step, they figure out what feels right, with plenty of space for conversation in between.
After four dates, that caution had disappeared, Iris says.
“He knows exactly how far he can go now, but in the beginning, he was even more careful than I was. For example, he suggested no penetrative sex on the first date, even though I was okay with it. It was clear he was really there for me and understood my situation, that helped ease the tension. He also brought condoms himself, without any fuss or discussion. That was very thoughtful, especially knowing he sees other clients too. It made me feel safe.”
And…quanto costa? Iris pays three hundred euros for a three-hour session, including travel expenses. Her gigolo doesn’t charge extra for overtime – the appointment often runs over by half an hour or more. When it’s fun, it’s fun.
Results
After four dates over eight months, Iris notices a big change.
“It feels like I can face the world again. I’m calmer and more confident. I didn’t expect this at all – at first, the appointments were mostly about intimacy and physical contact for me. But to have such a psychological impact too? That was a real surprise.”
She’s not afraid of falling in love, even though the connection during their dates feels quite intense. Iris has set clear boundaries: she pays him, and he provides a service. The expectations are clear.
“We usually stay in touch via text for a day or two afterward, but it’s always about the appointment and how I’m feeling. I would never text him about having a bad day at work, the boundaries are too well defined for that.”
Her friends know about her gigolo experiences. At first, they joked that picking someone up at a bar would be “a lot cheaper,” but after she explained, Iris mostly gets positive reactions. Fortunately, they really understand why she does this.
“And look, if we never talk about these things, people will never get used to them. Otherwise, it will always stay a taboo.”
Just do it!
For now, Iris is happy with how things are going. As long as it’s enjoyable, she’ll keep it up, until a new relationship comes along.
“I’m all for honesty. I wouldn’t mind telling a new partner that I once dated a gigolo. But that does bring up a dilemma: won’t the other person start feeling insecure about their own bedroom skills? Then you’d have to clear up that doubt. I’m not sure how I’ll handle that yet.”
What she does know for sure is this: do what feels right for you, and don’t let doubts – whether from yourself or others – hold you back.
“Have a nice date with a gigolo if that’s what you want.” Of course, it takes courage to take this step, but I don’t regret it. If you’ve been through something difficult, you have to learn to live with it. You have to keep going. Sometimes, you just need someone else’s help with that.
*Iris’ name has been changed. Her real name is known to the editorial team