Dutch magazine ‘Vriendin’
The originally Dutch article, ‘Mariska heeft regelmatig een afspraak met een gigolo‘, from the Dutch magazine ‘Vriendin’ can be read here. The translated text of the article is written out below. By Marianne ter Mors.
Mariska (43) was sexually abused as a child. As a result, she was never able to enjoy sex as an adult woman. Thanks to her sessions with a gigolo (Gigolo René), she is now able to experience intimacy and develop love for her own body for the first time in her life.
Sexual abuse
I grew up in an unsafe home. My father struggled with addictions, and my mother was autistic, not the best combination. Eventually, their relationship ended, and they divorced. Since things weren’t going well between my mother and me, I went to live with my father.
I was about fourteen years old when my father sexually abused me for the first time.
While my peers were exploring and developing their sexuality, mine was abruptly disrupted by transgressive behavior – from someone who should have been my safe haven: my father. After that first time, he abused me several more times. Eventually, my strength overcame my shame, and I reported him.
Safe
Because our family was already under the supervision of youth services, I was removed from home not long after I reported it. First came a stay , followed by placement with a foster family. I felt safe, but it never truly like home.
I was just over seventeen, and as soon as I was able, I moved out on my own. After everything I had been through, I needed my own space, a place where I could begin to rebuild my life. I ended up renting a room from a couple who shared their home. Of course, I was still very young and extremely vulnerable after everything I’d experienced.
The male homeowner of my new place took advantage of that. And this time, it wasn’t just sexual assault, it was rape. Because I already had a history of abuse, it hit me twice as hard. Yet another person who didn’t respect my boundaries.
How was I supposed to build a healthy image of men and of sexuality, when all I’d known were bad experiences?
Therapy
I got married young. I met my partner while I was temporarily staying in the treatment group, and we got married shortly after I turned 21.
We never had a great sex life, but in the beginning – before I was raped – we did share some nice, intimate moments. I was still very young, and the relationship was still new; we were cautiously discovering everything together. Everything was new and exciting, and we hadn’t really developed a sex life yet. Just as it was starting to grow, I was raped.
After that, my whole body shut down. I carried so much trauma that I didn’t like being touched. We had sex, but I didn’t enjoy it.
I did start working on coming to terms with my past abuse. I attended therapy and went through several EMDR sessions. That helped me a lot. The trauma is still there, but it no longer controls my life.
Touch deprivation
A few years ago, I suffered from major depression. Whenever I’m not feeling well mentally, I crave fries with lots of mayonnaise. During that period, I snacked a lot and gained quite a bit of weight. My husband is disgusted by overweight people and has been constantly pressuring me to lose weight ever since.
“Gosh, Mariska, would you really eat that? Are you going to work out again this week?”
It drives me crazy, and at the same time, I feel ashamed of my fuller body. I don’t dare undress in front of my husband, and we definitely don’t have sex anymore.
I’ve overcome my depression and now feel mentally well, which has also revived my need for physical contact. I really suffered from what they call “touch deprivation.” The thought of hiring a man had crossed my mind several times, but it’s not something you just decide to do lightly.
Intimacy
I was ashamed of my need for intimacy. I was raised in a Christian household, something that no longer plays a role in my life today, but I still carry those values and norms into adulthood. For example, sex with a stranger is just not done, especially if you’re married. Besides, I wasn’t even sure if I dared to let a stranger touch me. Because of my history of abuse, I still don’t like that.
I decided to set the idea of hiring a gigolo aside for a while and started with an extensive beauty treatment instead. After all, you’re being touched by a stranger then, too. I really enjoyed it. That gave me the courage to take one step further and book a massage. Against all odds, I also enjoyed that and was able to truly relax, something I usually find very difficult.
With these two positive experiences behind me, the question resurfaced: Should I?
After much hesitation, I finally took the plunge: I decided, “I’ll just do it, I’ll hire a gigolo sometime!”
Enriching
The first time I met the gigolo, I was extremely nervous. I had booked a hotel on the other side of the country to be sure I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew.
Before he arrived, I took a long shower in my hotel room. I had treated myself to beautiful new lingerie, took my time scrubbing my skin, applied a wonderfully scented body lotion, and put on makeup. By giving myself so much love and attention, I found a sense of peace. Normally, I never wear makeup, showers are always rushed necessities, and exciting lingerie sets? Oh no, not for me! But now, for the first time in a long while, I felt like a woman.
To get to know each other a bit, we met first in the hotel lobby for a drink. We actually hit it off straight away, and after our drinks, we went upstairs. The man was so calm, sweet, and understanding that I quickly relaxed.
And the sex was great. For the first time in my life, I could truly enjoy sex! That was such an enriching experience for me. During therapy, I spent hours talking to process my trauma. That felt good, but it couldn’t compare to what this brought me.
Amazing sexual experience
Being intimate in a safe environment with someone whose sole purpose is my pleasure gave me an incredible sexual experience, for the first time in my life.
In the end, did my gigolo help me more than a bunch of psychologists? You could say yes. That’s also why I’m sharing my story. There are many women with a history of sexual abuse, and an appointment with a gigolo can truly help you reconnect with yourself, allow your feelings to surface, and slowly let down the carefully built walls around you.
And once those walls have crumbled, you can begin to create positive sexual experiences in return.
Self-confidence
Besides the fact that it’s wonderful to enjoy sex, I’ve also learned a lot from the connection. My self-confidence has grown tremendously. As a woman, you know that your femininity doesn’t depend on the number on the scale – but knowing that and truly experiencing it are two very different things.
My body can bring me so much pleasure that I’ve naturally come to appreciate it more. Remember when I told you I used to crave fries whenever I felt mentally down? That craving is gone. I may have lost some weight as a result, but the real win is how little space it takes up in my mind now.
There’s a new sense of femininity in me, and it shows. Even my husband seems to have noticed the shift. A few months ago, he was away for work over a weekend, and when he came home, he hugged me for the first time in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m more open to intimacy now, or if he’s more attracted to me because of my happier vibe, but we both really enjoyed it.
Who knows, maybe dating a gigolo will bring even more positive effects!
Sex with a gigolo
The only downside to having sex with a gigolo is that it’s a bit addictive. I’ve already booked René three times, and I have another appointment with him next week. I’m really looking forward to it.
My husband doesn’t know about my dates, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. I’m certain we would break up if he ever found out. But then again, we don’t really talk about intimate topics at all.
He knows that I was sexually abused as a child, but we never talk about that either. Whether that’s due to embarrassment or discomfort, I honestly don’t know. We’re both quite introverted, and neither of us is much of a talker.
Does he miss sex? I have no idea, we don’t talk about that too. Honestly, I don’t think I’d mind if he sought sex elsewhere. I just wouldn’t want to know about it.
Marriage
My husband is a wonderful, kind, and steady partner, and a great father to our daughter. We just don’t connect when it comes to sex, but for me, that’s not a reason to end an otherwise good relationship.
Of course, booking a gigolo regularly does cost money. Fortunately, my husband earns a good income, and we’re financially comfortable. I told him I’m seeing a psychologist and that I withdraw seventy euros a week for that. I’ve been setting that money aside to pay for my visits to the gigolo.
Naturally, I can’t keep “seeing a psychologist” forever, so this will end at some point. And that’s okay. When it does, I’ll look back on these encounters as incredibly fun and enriching experiences—ones that took me further than psychological therapy ever could.
I don’t feel the need to have a relationship with another man, not even just for sex. A visit to a gigolo is a professional arrangement; it doesn’t involve emotions or complications. That’s what keeps it simple. I don’t want anyone or anything coming between me and my husband, our marriage means too much to me for that.