Enjoying sex again after sexual violence
René: “I meet women who’ve experienced sexual violence. Alongside their own therapy, we slowly work on helping them reconnect with their bodies, step by step. It’s not a straight line, and there are setbacks, but more often than not, it leads to something hopeful. Below, you can read how some of these women experienced that journey.”
Sexual violence & crossing boundaries
“Sexual violence and boundary-crossing behavior often leave deep, lasting scars. For many women, intimacy starts to feel “dirty,” which leads them – often unconsciously – to shut down their emotions and disconnect. They dissociate. The connection between mind and body becomes deeply disrupted.”
Healing takes time
“Recovering from this kind of trauma is incredibly difficult. Therapy helps, but it’s often a process of trial and error – and it takes time. What happened will always be a part of someone’s story. It can’t be undone.
Beyond the emotional impact, physical touch can also become a struggle. Enjoying intimacy the way it once was often feels out of reach. For partners, it can be just as hard to start or maintain a ‘normal’ sexual relationship.
While a therapist supports the mental and emotional recovery, a gigolo can sometimes help with rebuilding the physical side of things. Step by step, physical contact is gently reintroduced. The first steps are soft, non-sexual touch, with clothes on. Slowly, as comfort grows, the touch becomes more sensual, and each time, a little more is explored. The pace is slow and careful
The journey often moves through phases: from tension, to relaxation, to arousal, to release. Over time, these new, positive experiences begin to take up more space, and the old, painful ones fade further into the background.
Female sexuality is still largely uncharted territory for many men. If making love doesn’t satisfy you – or doesn’t do so enough – it can quickly start to feel like a chore. Over time, that can even lead to resentment.
But when lovemaking does bring you pleasure, it has a deeply relaxing and soothing effect, offering both satisfaction and release. Enjoyable sex is good for both body and mind. Creating a safe space is absolutely key, and everything happens step by step. Can you relax during the massages, let go of overthinking, and just allow yourself to feel?
After about five sessions, the positive impact on a victim is usually clear. Women start to feel more comfortable in their own skin and grow more confident. Of course, healing from trauma also involves difficult moments, like emotional breakdowns, as old pain needs to be released. But these setbacks become less intense, and the time between them gets longer. Gradually, it becomes easier to accept and put the past behind.
In short: a healthy sex life gives a woman more confidence, more energy, and makes her much better equipped to handle stress. Below, you’ll find personal stories from women who’ve met with me. For all ten of them, taking that first step to reach out was incredibly difficult.”
Footnote: prevention is always better than the cure. Crossing boundaries is never acceptable and must be adressed in right away. Every victim is one too many..
Rene makes the impossible happen!
Like many other women, sexual abuse in my youth caused me to lose all connection with myself over the years. I had pushed so far into the background that I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted.
In the meantime, I married a kind, understanding man who knew about my past. But our sex life was almost nonexistent – we lived more like brother and sister. We shared lots of fun moments, but intimacy was out of reach.
Then one day, it just didn’t work anymore. I went through various therapies, and things slowly started to improve. But eventually, I grew tired of just talking and began searching for someone who could help me feel again. And I found that.
Reconnect
With the support of a coach, I gradually found myself again and began to reconnect with my feelings. My husband and I grew closer, even though sex wasn’t possible yet.
Then, sadly, everything stopped when my husband passed away after a long illness. The loss was huge, and intimacy disappeared once more. At one point, I reached a breaking point and knew I had to seek help again.
I found René’s website and, after a lot of hesitation, I reached out to him by email. He responded quickly, with kindness and encouragement. It was clear he had a lot of experience with women in situations like mine. Before setting up an appointment, we had a phone call, which gave me the courage to pick a date. I still had doubts, but René kindly offered the option to cancel up to four hours before the session.
I didn’t cancel – and I’ve never regretted it. After a few sessions, I was able to be intimate with a man again. René was also there for me during the tough times, especially dealing with the loss of my husband. He made time for me, let me curl up in his arms, and gently introduced me to all the beautiful sides of intimacy and sex. I even managed to orgasm, something that felt impossible before.
Step by step
René described the process like learning the tango, with him as the dance teacher and me as the student. And that’s exactly how it felt. He took me by the hand and guided me step by step toward the goal, in a warm, gentle, and relaxed way. Even after our sessions ended, he stayed in touch, offering aftercare, sharing advice, and regularly checking in to see how I was doing. That meant so much to me.
Because I met with René regularly and we shared wonderful sex, my self-confidence came back. Eventually, I felt like a completely normal woman again – someone who could make love to a man, something I hadn’t been able to do before. In the meantime I’ve met a great man, and I’m excited to see where things go. None of this would have been possible without René.
Finally, to all the women visiting this website who are still unsure: gather your courage and reach out to René. I did – and I’ve never regretted it for a second. On the contrary, René turns sex and intimacy into a wonderful experience every time. Even if you think it won’t work, it will, with René.
He’s a kind, gentle, warm, and patient man who truly knows how to bring pleasure to a woman. I’m so grateful that René came into my life.
Claudia
Renewed faith in the future
Iris’ story was originally published in the July 2020 issue of Linda magazine. The article has been translated into English and is available on the media page. Below, you can read her translated story – the way she shared it with me after a series of successful sessions.
First of all…why? Because I missed intimacy so deeply, that’s why. At some point I thought: this isn’t how it should be…something has to change.
Assault
A few years ago, on New Year’s Eve, I was assaulted. Two men approached me and blocked my path. One of them moved behind me and grabbed my arms, while the other – standing in front of me – did what he came to do. I was frozen with fear and shock. I didn’t fight back…I didn’t do anything. And that, not doing anything, is what I blamed myself for the most. I felt so powerless.
At some point, the man holding me said, “she smokes” (I was indeed holding a cigarette at the time). And just like that, he let go of my arms and the two of them walked away. So bizarre how those words stick with you…
I ran to my bike and rode home in tears. When I got there, I collapsed on the stairs, and that’s where I woke up the next morning, all alone. In a moment like that, you feel so hurt, so lonely, and incredibly sad.
Emotions
Later, that sadness turned into anger. That’s an easier emotion for me to feel, although it doesn’t really get you anywhere. From that point on, I stopped going out. I was too scared to leave the house after dark, and my world kept getting smaller and smaller.
I did talk about the assault with a few friends, and that helped a lot. And yes, I eventually went out again and had intimate contact for the first time. Two and a half years had passed since the assault. But the feeling I had afterward wasn’t a good one. I felt empty, numb. There was no joy or excitement.
Later, I had intimate moments with other men, but only with people I’d gotten to know and trusted. But even then, I never really felt the way I used to. Looking back, I now realize it wasn’t just about me. Intimacy is something you create together – with both people involved. Yes, after a few drinks I could “enjoy” it… but that wasn’t what I truly wanted. I wanted to enjoy intimacy sober.
Reflections
After someone in my circle of friends passed away, I started reflecting on what was still missing in my life. You’re alive now, so do the things you love! That loss reminded me how short life can be. And the first thing that came to mind was: intimacy.
But how do you even approach that? Do you take a chance and just meet someone, hoping they’re what you’re looking for? Hoping they’ll treat you with respect? I couldn’t do that. And I didn’t want to do that. Like I said before, I wanted to be able to enjoy intimacy again – sober.
Booking a gigolo?
That’s when the idea came to me: what if I booked a gigolo? It felt really intense, and honestly, I had no idea where to begin. So first, I read a lot about it. I wanted to understand what I was getting into and read about other women’s experiences. Most of what I found was surprisingly positive. That’s how I came across René’s website. I studied it thoroughly and read everything I could. I even discussed it with a few friends. After a few laughs and some teasing, I decided to send him an email.
In the end, a few months passed between having the thought and actually reaching out. In that first message, I told René that I’d had a bad experience in the past, and asked if he could help me. He replied with a warm, understanding email, explaining what our date would look like and reassuring me that I’d always have the choice to continue, or even stop, at any moment. I found it so comforting that, as a woman, I had full control.
Set a date
We quickly set a date, though I asked for a few more weeks to prepare myself. Thinking about it is one thing – actually doing it is something else entirely.
Then the day finally came… In the days leading up to it, I was already feeling nervous. On the day itself, I was a bundle of nerves, and as the time got closer, I suddenly thought, “Can I still back out of this?”
Just then – the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and there was René. I didn’t know how to act or what to do. How do you even greet someone in a moment like that? Thankfully, he took the lead and just reached out to shake my hand. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to give the usual three kisses or a hug right away.
Once inside, we chatted about normal, everyday things, and I felt my nerves slowly melt away. As the conversation went on, I noticed myself becoming more and more curious about him. Could he give me the kind of intimacy I’d been longing for? Would I feel good afterwards, or would that empty, disconnected feeling come back again?
He asked if he could touch my knee and hold my hands – and I said yes. What a lovely feeling that was. After that, we went upstairs, where he lit a candle and some incense. He asked if I wanted to take off my dress, and in a quiet voice, I asked if he could turn off the light :). He did—and then I slipped off my dress and lay down on the bed in my lingerie.
Erotic massage
He started massaging my back, and although my mind was racing at first, the thoughts slowly began to fade. His touch was gentle, warm, and attentive, and the massage gradually became more and more erotic. He asked if he could take off my top, and all I could think was, “Yes – and quickly, please!”
The moment he kissed my neck, my mind just switched off, and my body took over. For the first time, I was able to completely surrender to someone. I wasn’t worried about whether I looked sexy or if I was doing things the “right” way. All that mattered was feeling the moment and truly enjoying it.
He knew exactly what he was doing, and that gave me confidence. I appreciated that, for once, the man was leading the date and that I didn’t have to be the one to initiate everything.
Already during that first date we were intimate, and it was a completely new experience for me. I also found it incredibly arousing, and after having multiple orgams (I lost count), I felt like I was floating. When he asked, “How are you feeling?”, all I could do was grin and say I felt a little giggly. “Very good,” he replied with a smile. 🙂
Eye-opening
Afterwards, we had a drink and talked about the past few hours. I found it both exciting and eye-opening that someone I didn’t know could make me feel this way. Experiencing sex as something so magical felt truly special.
The days after our date passed in a bit of a daze. I was floating on a kind of pink cloud that I didn’t want to come down from, in the best way possible! Over the next few days, René and I stayed in touch through messages, and I really appreciated that little bit of ‘aftercare.’ After about a week, the cloud lifted, but I stayed happily wrapped up in my own bubble for two whole weeks. It felt amazing.
We’re now on our third date, and I can feel my confidence growing more and more. Life is starting to smile at me again, and I’m daring to take more chances. I also notice that during my time with René, I relax more deeply and surrender more fully to him and his hands. I hope someday to experience that kind of connection with a partner. For now, I want to keep exploring this new world, and a fourth date with René is definitely on the horizon!
By sharing my story, I hope to give other women that little nudge to take the step and book an appointment with René too. I’ve made a start, but I know I’m not there yet. What happened to me shaped who I am, and made me build a wall around myself. That wall doesn’t just disappear overnight.
Faith
Still, I hope the scar it left behind will fade more and more. And that, little by little, the wall will come down. I’ll never forget what happened, but I will learn to live with it. I have faith in the future.
To all women out there: give this to yourself, and dare to truly live again!
Iris
Healing through positive sex
I am writing this review in the hope that this will give other women the courage to take the step and meet with René. Let’s start at the beginning. When I was 23 I was assaulted by two men on my way home one night. They nearly raped me and if it had not been for a passing bystander I know they would have succeeded. After this experience I closed myself off to men, both physically and emotionally. Occasionally I would have a date or several dates if I really liked the person but as soon as it was time for the next step I would break things off, as I did not feel like I could be intimate with them. As time went on I did try to be intimate, but it was never successful as I froze as soon as they tried to penetrate me. I never told anyone about the assault which made it difficult to bring up, let alone with someone I had just met. I had therapy and felt that I had moved on emotionally, but my body kept letting me down. I lived my life as best as I could, had a successful career, busy social life and loving family around me but there was always a sense of loneliness. I wanted nothing more than have a partner in my life but could not see how I could make that happen without being able to be intimate.
Earlier this year I met someone I really liked and decided I had to do something to break the cycle. I knew I needed someone to help me overcome my fear and anxiety. It had to be someone who would not judge me but would simply help me relax and teach me that sex can be enjoyable, so that I could move on. I started to look online to see if there were sex therapists who also provide help on the physical side but could not find any. I then started to search for male sex workers, but their site’s left me feeling intimidated and frankly scared since they are all about looks and sex but show no understanding of the emotional side of being intimate for women.
I am in Amsterdam for work occasionally and know that The Netherlands is much more emancipated and free thinking, so I decided to have a look at Dutch sites too, to see if they offered what I was looking for. Many of the sites were comparable with the UK sites but eventually I came across René’s site. As soon as I saw the site and read the reviews I knew that I had found what I was looking for. The emphasis is very much based on the enjoyment of sex in a ‘’safe’’ setting and it is clear from the reviews that René is experienced and can be trusted. I read similar cases to mine, where women were once again able to enjoy sex, after years of no sex, due to sexual assault, a sexless marriage, not finding the right partner or even women whom had never had sex.
I decided to just go for it and sent an email to René. I explained my situation and asked him if we could arrange to meet up. René answered the same day and told me he thought he could help me overcome my fear over the course of several date’s. He suggested I would come to Amsterdam for a week so that we could take the time to get to know each other and work towards being intimate at a pace that felt comfortable for me. René explained there was no pressure and I could cancel at any time, even after the first appointment. This took the pressure off, so I decided to go ahead and booked the trip.
We agreed to meet for 4 times during, the course of the week. René made it clear the first date would just be an opportunity to chat and to get to know each other and that we would slowly work towards being intimate during the next dates. I was extremely nervous prior to the first date but felt at ease as soon as I saw René. He is attractive but for me his calmness and openness were what were most important. We spent 30 minutes chatting over a cup of coffee and I felt very relieved to be able to share my feelings and talk about the assault with someone else. René explained that the next date would consist of a massage, first with clothes on and then just underwear.
The 2nd date also started off with a chat over a cup of coffee. René brought candles, incense, blankets and massage oil so that a peaceful and comfortable atmosphere was created. The soft light also made it easier for me to take my clothes off as I quite self-conscious about my body. The massage was wonderful, and I felt relaxed and comfortable around René. Instead of feeling anxious I really started to look forward to the next date, which was going to be an erotic massage without clothes.
The 3rd date really changed things for me. The massage started off with me in my underwear and then progressed to me being naked. Once again there were candles and incense and relaxing music so that I could fully relax. René (through experience) knows what women want and like and really takes his time during the massage. He takes his time to massage you all over with a kiss thrown in here and there. It was all very erotic and sensuous, and I felt extremely turned on after it. This was a good sign as I had not felt like that in years and knew I needed this feeling if I was going to be able to be intimate.
The last date started off as the 3rd and progressed to a stage where I felt so turned on I really wanted him to penetrate me. He brought some toys to try first which felt exciting and made me even more turned on. After a while penetration just happened naturally without any difficulty. The sex itself felt great but also strange as I was sharing something very intimate and personal with someone I did not have feelings for. By focusing on the pleasure, I finally managed to enjoy it too. I did not kiss him as this felt too intimate for me, but really enjoyed him kissing my body and face. It helps that René tells you what he is going to do, asks you if you are ok and allows you to react in whichever way you want. I could be myself and he knew when to say something or to just be quiet. Afterwards we chatted for a bit, had a drink and it all felt very relaxed and comfortable when we said goodbye.
It took me a few days to really comprehend what had happened. I finally managed to do something I had not been able to do in years and thought I could no longer do at all. I still worry about being able to be intimate with someone else but now also know that I just need to find the right person.
René is very calm and approachable and always puts your needs first. He also keeps in touch in between and after dates which is nice. For me it was a process I was going through alone so I could not share my feelings with anyone else and having contact with René allowed me to share my thoughts and fears, even after the final date. I would highly recommend René to all women out there who need help to become (more) comfortable with their sexuality. He has seen it all, so understands, like no other, what women think and feel and he knows what to say at the right time. Yes, he is a gigolo, but this is also what enables him to know exactly what women need. For most women, there are no real alternatives to getting (physical) help, so if you do decide to go for it then it should be with someone who you can trust and who puts both your body and mind at ease. Personally, I do not look at René as a gigolo but more as a sex-therapist as he provides a combination of psychological and physical help which is exactly what I needed.
If you are wondering if this might be for you then look no further and go for it! As René says: “yes you can!”.
“I heal through the positive sex I experience with my gigolo, I become familiar with my own body again!”
Lisa (38)
Appointment with gigolo after sexual abuse
When I was young, people touched me who were not allowed to. That has shaped my life and I still feel the consequences every day. Due to my past I will never be able to have children.
I’ve never felt love or warmth, let alone erotic feelings. And that’s what I’ve been looking for. Simply feel comfortable and nothing more. I found approaching a gigolo very scary. Rene’s page looked tidy. The photo he emailed me and the openness and honesty in email communication gave me confidence.
He suggested not to get intimate the first time. This made me feel safe. Rene indicated that he can please a woman with eroticism. I just wanted to get this beautiful feeling and enjoy it.
He then sent his story and additional photos via email. It made me feel comfortable talking to him. He asked all sorts of questions via email: Have you ever had any erotica fun? get excited?? I have no idea what that feels like. That’s why I spoke to him; I want to feel and know what that is too. I really felt like an outsider, but in the end I dared to meet, although I found it very exciting.
He indicated that he would begin with a relaxation massage.
That already felt a lot safer, but I wanted him to continue, wanted to feel it so badly, that I emailed him asking for the body’s shirt. Did I know much?! He always got the right answer. I’ve been very busy with it, a lot. It’s been a big step for me.
The agreed day was getting closer and I found it positively exciting in the meantime. Then it was time. First a cup of coffee and a conversation; Then the relaxing massage started.
I was super tense, but little by little I relaxed. And then…..surprise. I was totally blown away by everything. I really do feel something! I don’t understand that, I had never felt that before and it was just like that with a strange man.. I didn’t know this feeling at all, but it felt so beautiful.
I wanna feel that again!!
Thank you for letting me trust you so much, I was so amazed by that!!!
The days after, pffff, I don’t understand.. Wow, what have I done and what happened??? But most importantly, when will he be back!!! I always want that. I would so much like to feel that again.
Two weeks later:
I found it very special and I’m still excited about it. No one was allowed to just touch me like that. I’ve always been on the alert and always knew how to avoid physical contact.
However, everything went well with Rene so quickly. I felt safe and secure and I think it’s because of his openness and honesty.
He had indicated in the e-mails that nothing had to be done and that I might keep my clothes on. This gave me peace and confidence. His appearance and every time he asked if everything was alright, made me feel safe. And when we were done, he didn’t leave immediately but stayed with me for a while. I felt very safe and thought that Rene was a special man.
Two weeks later:
Still a major relapse.
Rene had turned my ‘feeling switch’ to ‘on’ again. It was very nice with Rene.
In the weeks that followed, however, all the awkward feelings of the past came back full force. My life was very dark and I felt sad and worthless. I felt tired and sick. It’s not your fault, it just happens.
Unfortunately, another therapy was necessary. It wasn’t pretty, but fortunately things were heading in the right direction again. 3.5 months after the first appointment, we reached an agreement for the second time. I’d asked him to take it easy because I didn’t know how I was going to react. I found it very exciting nonetheless.
Pfff, but it was beautiful. I could feel again, felt fine again.
I never thought that something like that could feel so good. I’m still floating and have butterflies in my lower stomach.
In retrospect, my new life began on the day of my first appointment with Rene.
He was actually somehow strange to me and then something.
8 weeks later:
I’m actually better. Since the last appointment, I haven’t had a relapse or anything like that. It’s only getting better, thank god!
One year after the first appointment:
I am alive again. I had a difficult search for good help, but I ended up very well in the end.
I’m starting to find some peace in my past and can handle soft touches and such again. I even like a hug sometimes. I can smile and enjoy what I do again. So actually I’m doing pretty well.
During this time, Rene meant a lot to me.
It gave me a last push to seek help and fight for my life.
Pieternel
The unplayed violin
A beautiful violin stands in the back of a room with a lot of other instruments.
She tries to make her sound heard, but is drowned out. Soft sounds come out of her very carefully, she wants to be louder but is afraid to stand out. She is even more afraid of being rejected for her sound. She chooses to remain silent.
One day someone comes and takes her away. She thinks she is admired and that she can now finally show off her beautiful tones. Unfortunately she was taken by someone who doesn’t understand violins. She is being drummed and drummed. She is screaming to herself. Hello! I am not a drum set. She again chooses to be quiet, because she thinks, it is better than standing in a corner untouched.
This is how the years go by, she has gotten used to going through life as a drum kit. And oh well, isn’t that better than being an unplayed violin!?
A few years ago, something happened that made her see herself differently. She decided things had to change. Step by step, she broke away from the drummer and ran off.
Much has happened between that time and now. If you’ve come to believe that you’re a drum kit, you don’t just become a violin again.
Luckily she came into contact with an older violin that showed her that she is indeed a violin. The wise violin told the disguised violin-drum set to get rid of the drums and play her own strings. She got rid of the drums, but she found playing her own strings quite difficult. As a result, she fell back into the old habit again. This time, fortunately, she remembered more quickly than before that she is a violin.
She hopes that one day she will meet an experienced violinist who knows exactly how to touch and play the brittle strings so that she can once again hear her own sounds and learn how to play her own strings. She is so looking forward to hearing her sounds in full, deep down she believes it will one day.
This insight was confirmed yesterday by someone who does understand violins. He touched her strings and played her. The sounds echoed within her.
She knows it can be even better, but her strings are brittle, they need practice.
She is so looking forward to making her sounds fully heard, deep down she has always believed in it.
A few years ago I wrote the metaphor above about myself. So you are that violinist Rene, I’ve been waiting for all this time and deep down I always knew that sooner or later I would meet you.
Thanks, thanks, thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jose
Initiation
February 2023
It doesn’t feel easy when I walk unsteadily into my husband’s office at 8:15 am on Friday morning. I hear myself say softly, “Goodbye, I’m going now, see you this afternoon”. Is there any training where you as a woman can learn how to say hello to your own husband when you go to a gigolo? Or how to behave when you get home? We remain silent, despite the fact that we both know that I have a ‘date’ with gigolo René this afternoon.
I’m a coward, don’t dare to look his eyes straight. Timidly he says, “Goodbye”, back. Ambivalent feelings make me nauseous. ‘It’ was discussed in the couples therapy session, but then why do I feel like a cheater? I took a day off to go to my ‘date’ with gigolo René.
I sling the brown leather laptop bag over my shoulder, extra filled with my Chanel shower gel, Dior make-up bag and a clean lace yellow bra and thong. That’s it! When I close the door behind me, I think of the lyrics of a song from a distant past:
I’m gonna make a change
For once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right
This Emma, the brave and courageous, is also part of me. I sometimes deny her, I don’t know her very well, but I think she’s pretty cool. She is calculating and knows what is good for me.
That is why she first drives to the supermarket to get a sandwich, some fruit and something sweet. She treats herself to brightly colored macarons. Going on a date while hungry doesn’t seem very convenient to her!
The courageous and brave Emma parks in the garage under the hotel. She also performs excellently at the check-in counter of the hotel. She shows her passport without batting an eyelid, pays for the room and receives the key tag. It is 10:10 am when she enters the hotel room. A neat and tidy room with nothing to complain about. Or anyway…
I’m cold! I press all the buttons on the thermostat and this upsets me and suddenly I feel a panic. Why do I always have a fight with a thermostat? For god’s sake what am I doing here! Am I not a hotel whore?
Suddenly I feel so lonely and I am no longer the brave, courageous Emma and I suddenly think of what Jan-Willem always says to me when I shoot into this mode, “Vipassana meditation, stay in your own strength. Go with your thoughts to your tailbone. Focus on your breathing and feel…”.
And I start to calm down and feel conscious, and breathing from my tailbone. Because I am getting better practiced in this, after 15 minutes I can focus well on my breathing. I become calm, calm and aware again of what brought me here. Why I want this. Why I want this so badly.
I lie down on the bed under the covers, because I’m still very cold. I hate it when I’m cold! I decide not to take a bath, as René suggested earlier, because I read somewhere in a women’s magazine that a hotel bath is a source of bacteria.
I read something under the covers in bed and I doze off a bit, a luxurious feeling of me-time overwhelms me. Actually I enjoy this peace, it’s quite nice. I wake up with a start when René texts me that he will arrive at 12.35 pm. I text back that there is no more parking space in front of the hotel and that I have parked my car at one of the two charging stations in the parking garage.
When I receive a message from René that he has arrived, I expect him to come to the room. However, he texts that he is waiting for me in the garage at one of the electric charging stations and cannot find me?? Oops… I quickly jump out of bed, put on my coat, take the key tag with me and walk to the stairwell. When I finally reach floor -1 with the elevator and get out, I immediately see René.
Boom!
Heart palpitations, I’m about to explode inside. My brain sends messages to my heart for more oxygen. I’m on edge!
René is an attractive man, physically fit (read: not a fat man with a fat beer belly), but also not a macho, a ‘look at me being a pretty boy’ type of man. He has a well-groomed appearance and attire and appears to have integrity. Next to him is a large trolley case and I secretly think, ‘What’s he got in there?’. We greet one another.
Together we step into the elevator to the 2nd floor, akward feelings, but not dark or scary, on the contrary. We walk down the corridor where chambermaids are busy cleaning rooms. Is it my imagination, or do I feel their eyes burning in my back..?
I open the door and we enter the room and I ask René if he wants a drink. He offers to do it himself. I prefer to do it so that I can actively do something with my hands.
When we both take a seat and have a drink, René asks questions about my current situation. Calmly I tell him about it and René shows through his advice and observations that he understands me.
How was intimacy in my 1st marriage? (nothing!!). And how things are now in my current marriage (nothing!!). How long did the marriage with my ex-husband last?
Intelligent people can be recognized by the questions they ask. And René asks the right questions to shape his picture of my situation. When we get to safety, I hope I’ve been able to make it clear that’s why I chose my husband. To this René says that I should be grateful to him for these safe years, in which I could let my sexuality flourish in complete safety. He touches me enormously with one simple sentence.
“Now that you are finally in sync with your
own sexuality……it is not there!”.
Fortunately, he has a sense of proportion and does not ask any direct questions about the sexual abuse. When he asks how often I masturbate, my throat almost locks up, but I answer honestly. Normally once a month or something like that, but since I know about this date the frequency has been increased to once a week.
We have another drink and René puts his stuff ready and puts on some relaxing music. He asks me to move my chair closer and give my right hand so he can experience how I react to his touch. It feels good when he caresses my hand, then I give my left hand.
I feel no fear or hindrance when he stands behind me and asks if he can touch my hair. I love it when my hair is stroked. When his hands touch my shoulders it still feels safe and good. My state of being is serene, still a little alert, but his gentleness and caution allow me to be and remain calm.
I lie down on my stomach on the bed, as he suggests, and breathe in and out slowly and I get a light massage. When René asks me to lie down on my back, I do.
I want to take off my hold-up stockings, but René takes them off instead, gently and sensually slow. My right stocking first, then my left stocking. I hold my breath and feel butterflies in my gut.
When his hand rests on my stomach for a while, I hear him say, “It’s going to be okay, Emma,” and I don’t doubt his reassuring words for a moment. That’s why I don’t experience any embarrassment when the moment comes when I take off my dress and lie on my stomach with only my black bra and thong. I don’t feel naked, but well, and safely comfortable.
René sits behind me and pushes his knee between my legs. Excuse me? Excuse me?? It feels so intimate to feel his leg between my legs, and his knee touches my erogenous zone. Oh my God!
When his hands caress my arms, back and legs, I stop thinking and start feeling. An undetected spot when he presses on my tailbone, just above my buttocks. I start to breathe heavier and find it hard to lie still and not to twist my buttocks. Can’t believe it, I’m getting excited! Luckily my hair is spread over my face and I can hide behind my long hair, and maybe he hears my moans less.
René takes his shirt off and maybe more, but I’m not sure. I take my bra off, as he asks, and the massage continues. When he gets to the tender spot again, it repeats itself. I moan softly and feel a sensual energy (or is it sexual energy?) rising from below. I want more…
René then says, “I’ll stop the massage now, because you want something different now.” When I see him putting on a condom I stop ‘feeling’ and start ‘thinking’ again, and I think to myself, “Is this really true?” I realize I’ve never seen a man put on a condom in front of me and I find this a bit gross. This is a crucial moment for me, but when René notices my doubt, he lies down next to me with his naked body and we relax together for a moment. I’m relieved, this feels good…
We move on, I start to ‘feel’ again. I lie on my back and look up and see René entering me between my spread legs, and I feel that I am about to receive him. For a moment there is only this: René inside of me.
He waits.
I wait.
Moment of silence.
Time stands still.
Time does not exist.
There is no goal, no expectation.
There is no uncle, no man, no ex-husband, no therapist that I idolize and glorify, and with whom I actually want to have sex (transference, no!).
My life force emerges from very far and very deep within and my own primal sexuality awakens. In my head I shout out loud “YES”, when René starts to thrust. He thrusts into me harder and harder. I dissolve in my own energy and I dance in my head, I become fluid.
René is increasing the pace and I have never been taken so hard and deep. I’m even disappointed when he stops thrusting, but before I know it he puts his fingers in me, his fingers are now thrusting into me and I experience another unfamiliar sensation. When I climax, a waterfall of fluid squirts from my vagina
At that moment René says so very sweetly, “Good, good, you see, there is nothing wrong with you, you are doing so well”. I don’t get time to get out of my ‘feeling’, because René lifts my left leg, enters me again and thrusts hard while massaging my clitoris.
When we rest a bit in between, René repeats that I am doing well and that there is nothing wrong with me. I listen and caress his face, this makes me aroused again. Maybe Rene as well?
He takes me from behind, I find this so exciting, the idea that he is looking down at my buttocks. Then he says, “Come and sit on me”, but then I don’t know what to do and I get a little shy. I don’t know what to do and I panic a little. I thought I should sit with my back to him, but that’s not what he meant. René wants me to sit on him facing him. Very gently and sweetly he points out to me that I can place my left hand on his right thigh and my right hand on his left thigh. I didn’t know that this is possible… He points out to me that I can now move up and down myself. I feel so super feminine because of this; I look down at him and he looks up to me.
I can’t remember when he asks me to lie on my back again, but he lifts my legs with both hands. “It’s nice that you are so flexible”, I hear him say as he penetrates me deeply again. I come to a climax again and then suddenly René stops. He explains that it is a good time to stop, so that I can feel what I am experiencing so intensely. Then, one by one, he takes my breasts in his mouth and I float through space. I can no longer tell you all the details, it is too many experiences for one afternoon.
When on the side of the bed with my head outboard, René tucks a pillow under my buttocks and takes me to a climax again. We relax and René says, ”I notice that I also need to recover”.
I lie in his arms and after a while I caress his face again and ask if I can ask him something. He says yes. Softly I ask about his peak and how he can do without it. I think he then says that it is also genetically determined and that this afternoon is about me and my sexual experience. But how is it possible that he becomes hard? That’s because of me, he says sweetly. When he takes me again, he too comes to a climax and quickly withdraws.
No sense of time when in each other’s arms, but in the end we want to know what time it is. This afternoon has passed so quickly, but we don’t want a knock at the door when it’s five o’clock. That would be quite a disappointment.
Luckily we still have an hour left and I enjoy lying on his chest. Just a little while longer in paradise is all I want. I am amazed that my lust is still there when René takes a shower. He got water for me because he wants me to drink well. He wants me to take good care of myself in the days to come. He also says that we can email or text, because a relapse is lurking.
René says, when we stand close together for a while, “I would like to throw you back on the bed”. Hhmmmm….
When he’s in the bathroom, I suddenly feel that I don’t want to be left alone in the room and knock on the bathroom door in a bit of panic when he’s taking a shower. Would we be able to leave together? Fortunately, he understands this. I also quickly take a shower, find my clothes and get dressed again.
René proposes to have a drink together and to hug each other for the last time in the hotel room, and not outside, to avoid any recognition.
When we talk afterward I feel the urge to be close to him for a while, and suddenly I sit on his lap and caress and kiss his face. Then it’s time and I ask what to do with the key tag. I can leave it like this, he explains.
As we walk to the elevator I feel the approaching goodbye. I find it hard to let go of René and step back into my life. Actually, I want to ask him to take me with him. Away from all that I have to work so hard for.
Other people are now boarding the elevator as well. Not fun!!! When we get to the garage, René says very sweetly, as if he senses that I’m having a hard time saying goodbye, that he walks with me to my car. René remains standing by the car until I drive away. My stomach is shrinking and I already miss him. I’m having a very hard time, but I don’t want to show or express it, and I say softly to myself, “Hello René, thank you for what you have made me experience this afternoon”. A little bit of healing on my way to the new Emma.
My doubts about my own sexuality have now disappeared for good! I now know very well what I want, and what I think I am entitled to after all these lost years. A feeling of grief overwhelms me.
As I drive away, I don’t look back and I let my tears flow. I’m on my way home where my husband is waiting for me with dinner. When I still come home with my head in the clouds, my courage suddenly drops. How am I going to face him? Am I going to be jolly and ask how his day was? It is a repetition of moves. I’m too cowardly to honestly tell how wonderful it was. That my body is still shaking with pleasure.
Joris does not look at me when I come home and immediately starts cooking dinner. When I see him acting dejectedly I approach him, wrap my arms around him and tell him that I love him very much. That I had gone well this afternoon and that I am grateful for the opportunity to do so. I expect questions from his side, but none come. We go on with our lives, it’s business as usual.
It feels like I’ve thrown something off myself, that I’m able to open myself up and never want to shut myself down again. That I am entitled to it, that I do not feel guilty or ashamed. I have been able to enjoy sexuality like I have never experienced before.
I feel like a woman again and not an abused, pitiful, frustrated, dirty Emma. I can have sex. I can handle it and apparently I can enjoy it! I didn’t feel disgusted for a moment.
I am happy and grateful to have been able to live this beautiful experience thanks to René, and I think of the text on his profile picture:
‘People will forget what you said,
forget what you did
but people will never forget how you made them feel’
Emma
Enjoy having sex again
I was sexually abused as a child (ages 5 to 15) by a friend of the house. He took me in every ‘hole’ and went from being an abuser who was out to ‘give me fun’ to someone who just took what he wanted by force.
As a child, I responded by shutting off all bodily sensations, becoming a limp puppet, and also finding a way to get out of my body to the ceiling and see what was happening there, but not be part of it anymore. As a young adult, I switched to automatisms (robotic and being hard on myself) and soon found myself frigid and having vaginismus. I avoided physical contact like the plague… sex was unimaginable! Relationships weren’t really possible because I couldn’t deal with the closeness/intimacy.
I’ve had friends as long as they keep a safe distance. I’ve learned to make myself unattractive to men, more than that, I’ve actually managed to make myself invisible to them. I became half a boy, dressed hard, covered everything and covered as many curves as possible by wearing a sports bra. I also behaved like a man and never made eye contact with men, unless they were in my circle of friends and therefore safe from me.
I had my first severe trigger when I was 23. I worked as a preschool teacher and one kid in my group accused me of having sex with a co-worker…he so-called saw everything! That statement came at board level, and then I went through all the registers. I couldn’t even take touching… For the first time in my life, the phrase, “I was abused”, came out of my mouth and I mentally collapsed. At night I got flashbacks, I was very afraid of the broken pieces in which I suddenly ended up. Couldn’t get away with all these pictures. The need for outside assistance became urgent.
For eight years I have worked very hard to get myself under control again. Therapeutic talks, bodywork, emotional weekends with a team of therapists, etc… It was only then that I felt able to take over life again…but men were still too threatening to become life partners. So I fell in love with a woman, started a family, gave birth to 2 children (processing the loss of 1 child) and found this to be a pretty good life. We had a lot of intimacy with each other, but not a common sex life.
And then I got older and physically I deteriorated little by little until all of a sudden my body gave out. I’ve got a 5 to 12 signal. Apparently, my story continued to demand a lot from that body; all mechanisms of survival were still running at full speed. I became a heavy back patient (hernias galore) diagnosed with spasmophilia, CFS and fibromyalgia. My medical specialist asked if I had a history of abuse, which could possibly be part of the basis of such chronic diseases. So yes… I was asked to gently force myself to see a trauma therapist again because maybe after all that hard work as a young adult there was something left that is now weighing me down (PTSD). I turned out to be a very strong woman mentally, but my body didn’t follow anymore… So off I went, caught up in my story and feeling like I had no choice, because by now I had a 9 year old daughter growing up and I was going for the 2nd time back in therapy (this time EMDR) in my life. It soon turned out that my doctor was right, there were still very difficult pieces that I hadn’t worked through then.
It were three hard years… Again I combined work with therapy, but this time I also had a family…not easy! This time it was different. EMDR has a deep effect and it felt like a big cleansing. Step by step I became emotionally ‘a woman’, started to dress differently (choose dresses now, cut out sweaters and nice bold cuts or prints), got interested in my body and wanted to do make-up (started painting myself , painted my nails…) and gradually also raised my head, looked at the world around me, made eye contact with men but still kept a safe distance. Until suddenly I also felt a need, I wanted to feel what sex means, to feel whether my body could heal. My desire for a man surfaced, but at the same time my fear of what a man once made me do to satisfy him.
Simply getting someone out of a bar certainly wasn’t an option: far too unsafe! In therapy, we came up with the topic of ‘gigolo’. That appealed to me, but the step was still too big… The idea stuck and came up regularly. Now that I’m 50, enjoying sex is on my bucket list. Six months after this conversation I scoured the internet, googled ‘gigolo for abused women’ and sure enough I got a few links… In the meantime I found Rene from www.gigolo-rene.nl His site was neat not vulgar (no offensive photos) , his language gentle and respectful. In fact, it made me curious. All of these women’s stories had a common thread… Rene proved to be sweet, gentle, respectful, respecting boundaries, safe, trusting and very professional. They described him as a man who knew very well what he was doing, who could combine eroticism and sex, and who understood the art of getting a woman to enjoy her past. In short, the man I was looking for, apparently. I shared this with my therapist and hesitantly sent him an email introducing myself as briefly as possible.
I was touched by the reply I got back… It was so respectful yet to the point. He outlined the structure of our meeting, how it would work, what he would do and what he always carries with him. That gave me security so that I knew what was coming. We continued emailing and each time his response was well placed, gently. So I decided to take the leap and meet him. An exciting time had preceded it. I became afraid…of my looks, of my possible physical reactions, of his judgment. Before so much, but every time he calmed me down, calling it normal, praising my strength to take that step. The closer the date got, the more insecure I felt… I had to admit that I was an expert in forced sex, but really knew nothing about what a ‘normal’ man expects or likes and how a woman prepares for such an encounter… Fortunately I had my therapist who stood by me with advice and action (from what do I wear to how hairy can I be…). It seems so silly, but I was groping in the dark. I had never developed that piece within myself.
We agreed to meet in a hotel large enough to move in anonymously. The wait for Rene was incredibly exciting. As the knocking sounded on the door, I felt my heart skip a beat and literally get the heartbeat. But that didn’t last long… A man entered the room I can only describe as a gallant, radiant gentleman. An intimate, natural atmosphere was created in no time… We sat together over a cup of coffee and I felt his warm, caring attention to my well-being. He took the lead very gently and casually, which felt safe, again indicating what we were going to do, the steps we were going to take, and mentioning that he would always respect my boundaries. That felt so good to me, it was like something to hold onto… After all, I already knew from the emails what he was going to do, literally resorting to it now. That gave our togetherness the structure I desperately needed. I just had to try to allow it and to feel where my limit was and if necessary to state it. What followed was amazing…
He has the art to do this in a very natural, gentle and warm way. Taking the time to absorb emotions and nurture them when needed. Then, gently grab your hand again to take the next step. What this man can and does is incredibly beautiful, at a level that I can only describe as top and with a care package that can be described as therapeutic. This is not just a ‘gigolo’, this is much more than that…this is someone who has the gift of helping deeply hurt women to find themselves and heal their physical experiences because of their ability to cope with the hellish memories of abuse to create a heavenly memory. It is this contrast that makes it a new experience…
And yes, it induces a lot of sadness… Not tears of remembering all those horrific images, but tears of disbelief and pain at being cut off for so long. About your own body, about feeling what this body can do, about something heavenly called sex, which you thought for years could not exist and certainly not for someone like me! Well then!
But even then he doesn’t just let you go, hints at what to expect, that you might react emotionally to this appointment, asks if you can go somewhere, emails a day later if you’re okay… In other words, follow-up care so he it knows!
Thank you Rene…I don’t know if you really know what you are capable of. You gave me my body back to me and that is beyond words of gratitude… I wish every abused woman had the chance to meet someone like you because you can lift the lifetime sentence of not feeling pleasure…
And yes, I will definitely make a 2nd appointment because I feel that I also want to enjoy spiritually, i.e. want to let go even more and get to know devotion.
Thank you so much, best regards Marieke (April 2016)
Healthy sex after sexual abuse
May 2017………now a year later.
I am so glad that I came into contact with you and that I was able to have such a positive experience with you!! It has given my life a new boost. I was with my psychologist last week and she also noticed that I am doing well. She made me give you the compliments. How you worked with me, that it was the right thing to do, to get to where I am now. She thinks it’s great, just like me..!!
In a year’s time, this change has given me a (new) development of good self-esteem in many areas. I am much more confident again. I enjoy life again. Last year I could not have imagined how I would be doing now. My psychologist even said that she advised me to meet up with you once in a while. I think this is special, especially because she -in the first instance- was not behind this..
She wasn’t so confident about it, but she’ll come back to that now, in my situation. I’ve learned to listen to my heart. And that is a good thing to do. I go out regularly with a friend of mine. I enjoy my (new) work. I’ve grown so much in a short time and that’s fun.
I wanted to take a moment to look back at this with you..
Who knows, goodbye. Petra
Enjoying eroticism after sexual abuse. It’s possible!
Gigolo… just the word made me shudder. The person behind it didn’t really stand a chance in advance.
For a Moroccan woman who has been brought up strictly according to Islamic rules and who has an abusive past, contact with a gigolo is unthinkable. That same background also prevented me from having any intimate or even personal contact with a man at all.
Until my birthday. I realized that I was approaching forty. If I ever wanted to experience warmth (I didn’t dare think any further) then something really had to happen. And I wanted that so much, the loneliness became stronger than the fear.
In a conversation with my therapist, which I now went to, I jokingly talked about, “then let’s have a gigolo”. She took it seriously and sent me a link to a site! I was shocked. It took me a while before I could bring myself to look at the website. What could possibly happen, I told myself, I could click it away again. The website looked nice, not at all vulgar. A few comments on the site showed that several women had benefited greatly from an appointment and that it had even helped them on their way to starting a normal relationship. Would it really?
After a hell of a fight, I ventured an email with a brief description of myself and a request to make an appointment so we could get that over with. The answer quickly followed and to my surprise it was not business-like at all, but very open, understanding and personal. He stated that safety and trust were paramount and suggested not to go intimate the first time. Well, I certainly wasn’t planning on that either, but the fact that he suggested it himself gave me some peace of mind. I could indicate how or what we were going to do, no obligations.
Enjoyment, that’s what it’s about. I don’t know what that felt like, but we’ll see, I thought. He sent me some personal information and photographs of himself. I could ask him anything, but since I couldn’t imagine anything at all, I didn’t know what to ask. What was I supposed to ask?
As the appointment got closer, the nerves screamed through my throat, but finally the bell rang. I opened the door and there he stood: René. A panic attack (“what the hell am I doing?!!!”) and the urge to slam the door closed again, I let René in. He sat down quietly, started a chat and we had a drink. Nothing, no pity or heavy hassle, just a normal, normal introductory meeting. His attitude and natural demeanor made a start.
I thawed little by little but was immediately wary again when at one point he suggested a massage. It could be done with the clothes on, which reassured me a bit. Calmly he started the massage. It felt quite awkward as I have always avoided physical contact. But I persevered and found it a matter of getting used to. René repeatedly asked how things were going and it was getting better. After a while, he suggested continuing the massage lying on the couch. My heart raced but because of his considerate attitude I dared to do it anyway. I felt like a wooden puppet.
He asked me what I was thinking of doing. Hesitantly, I suggested a hug. In the grueling preparation for this appointment, I had resolved to at least try. He put his arms around me and I felt like my heart would jump out of my chest, I was so scared. But René just held me and tried nothing else. The soft embrace unnerved me, but I remained frozen.
Slowly I thawed again, meanwhile the little voice in my head spoke to me as usual. The voice that ruled my life for so long, that I couldn’t stand. Just as a negative image flashed by and the little voice reacted fiercely, René held me tighter. As if I was worth being held like this. Then I broke. I thought it was terrible to cry in front of him, I was ashamed to death. René asked me if I was ok but I couldn’t say anything. He continued to hold me without saying anything else. The warmth, support and comfort that emanated from that…
After a few drinks again the hug. With his support, I managed to ignore the voice. The feel of his cheek against mine was unparalleled, and it stirred up feelings in me I didn’t even know existed. The first step had been taken and René left a deep impression. It kept me very busy and I experienced the feeling of his warm embrace again and again.
As he had indeed only done what he said he would do, I ventured to make a second appointment after a few weeks. René then suggested, if I wanted to, to e-mail more in order to grow confidence. Pleasant e-mail traffic followed and I was astounded by his pointed remarks. His understanding, insight and warm words helped me to express in words what I couldn’t express during our time together. I couldn’t believe I could do that so quickly and with a strange man.
The second date was a revelation! Confidence had indeed grown through the e-mail and I opened the door with peace of mind. Still with the clothes on the hug again. His cheek against mine felt even better than in my memory. It flashed through my mind that it was right. After a while, René asked if it was okay to try the hug while lying on the couch, just to see how it would go. Naturally we lay on the couch where I could quickly relax enough. He asked me if I was ok and on my affirmative answer he asked me to close my eyes, nothing could happen to me. After some hesitation, I did.
Then, light as a feather and very slowly, I felt his caressing fingers across my face, neck, and back. I didn’t know what happened to me!! My body responded to his touch…from the top of my head I could feel the tingling down my spine and down to my toes. Never thought it could be like this! It was an unprecedentedly nice feeling and at the same time I was embarrassed for my body that reacted this way. I ignored the shame and let the wonderful feeling flow through my body.
René asked me again if I was OK and I nodded. I couldn’t utter a word, but he could see that I was not unmoved. He then said that a kiss on the neck is often very sensitive for a woman and that it was a popular place. Whether it was good to try that too. I had no idea how that would feel, but I became curious, especially after his caresses. Still, hesitantly, I allowed it.
The moment René very gently and gently kissed my neck, a shock went through me. What was that? Again I didn’t know what hit me and was giggling about it because I didn’t know how to behave. Total confusion but what an amazingly nice feeling that was. He asked me if he could do it again. YES! I couldn’t place it, but I certainly wanted to experience that nice feeling again. A storm of emotions raged through my mind. René didn’t go on for too long and at a certain moment he took me back in his arms. I was completely blown away by this appointment.
In the meantime, I had started working with my therapist on the voice. It was still there, but it was decreasing. It went so well that I looked forward to another visit from René.
After another few weeks, it was time. The embrace now felt nice, familiar and warm. It made me feel peaceful and safe. Salvaged ?? Yes indeed salvaged, how that was possible is still a mystery to me but it was. In his natural and calm way René made sure that there was no reason for tension and that we could go one step further every time. As he himself stated, the foundation for dealing with intimacy was laid, something that I had thought impossible!
Practicing kissing (because that’s where it all starts, often on a first date) went better and better. To my utter surprise, I didn’t think it was dirty and disgusting at all. At the first time, the old feeling prevailed to just undergo it. René did not exert any pressure at all and just tried again at every appointment, calmly and relaxing. Gradually I not only started to like it, but I even kissed him back! Unbelievable, because if anything kept me from making contact, it was the doom of the kiss, let alone what else could happen. I couldn’t get over it, it turned out that I did have feelings. And how!
He took his shirt off and I felt so safe with him that before I could change my mind I took off my shirt too. The contact with his skin was even more intense than I imagined it. He let me get used to it for a while and then started caressing me again. It made me feel pretty and feminine. That’s how it feels…
He continued with the massage, first rubbing my back. I was able to relax until the moment when he lightly brushed my side. I caught my breath. The highlight was when he finished with a few kisses on my back, which were no longer tingling sensations but electric shocks!! In my wildest dreams I never expected that feeling, wow!
I got into a daze that helped me to get over my shame and I was able to caress René myself. Did I do that?! Yes, I could and I did it.
Finally, I got another kiss on the neck, not gently but not roughly, the noise he made, his cheek rubbing against my skin…hundreds of electric shocks shot through my body. I felt everything and anything, criss-cross! I felt like I was on a rollercoaster, the feeling of relief, freedom and happiness was overwhelming.
A few days later, I suddenly had a violent relapse. Unexpectedly and overwhelmingly, the thunderous voice came back in my head. I felt worthless. Fortunately, I had an appointment with my therapist the next day and she helped me up again. Later I could tell René by email. A backlash that had not only knocked me down, but him as a gigolo as well. Instead of being put off by it, he supported me, and he sent me a link and an article. Recognition, recognition.
I didn’t understand at all why someone would do something like that for me just like that, what did I deserve? What had I earned René? Maybe God hadn’t forgotten me after all and that’s why he had brought René on my path.
Because of René I now know what enjoyment is, he lets me experience, feel and enjoy, I start to live again. The empty and dead feeling that I have walked with for 25 years is gone. René has given me the key of my cell door. It is true that it opens with difficulty and creaking, but a sliver of sunlight is already pouring in.
I’m not there yet and it will take a lot of strength to push the door further open, but I now know I will get there. My contact with René is not yet over. Never in a million years would I have thought I could say this, but the gigolo still makes me shiver. Just now of pleasure.
Thank you René for what you have been able to achieve… I have hope for a new life.
Yasmine
For a long time I have not been able to give myself sexually
For a long time I was unable to give myself sexually due to a number of disastrous relationships that also included sexual abuse. Years later in therapy I learned to indicate my limits better and to explore them. Gradually, the need to develop further sexually also emerged. I wanted to be able to relax at the touch of a man, over the years I was completely stuck. If I wanted to be intimate with a nice man and the moment was there, things would lock up. Like I froze. Every relationship eventually broke down.
“He had no expectations or emotional attachment to me”
Something had to change. At one point I saw a documentary about women with the same problem, who had benefited from the services of a gigolo. I was wondering if this would work for me too. I came into contact with a gigolo who seemed very sympathetic. He had a lot of experience with women and sex. And: no emotional connection with or expectations from me. That’s why I thought maybe he could help me. I contacted him. It clicked immediately. Because it went so smoothly, I dared to put my question to him in one of the following conversations. It seemed difficult to him, but he was certainly open to trying it. Since touching in itself was a problem for me, it would initially only be about massaging. I booked him for two hours. If the massage went well, we would continue step by step.
The massage went wonderfully well. I didn’t know what happened to me. He acted as a guide in unfamiliar territory. A very good one, because I managed to relax and enjoy the massage. We kept going a little further. With an unexpected bonus: my first orgasm. That was not an end in itself, but it was fantastic. That’s when I knew I could really enjoy sex.
My situation was of course a special one, but perhaps other women can also benefit from paid sex. In bed, insecurities sometimes get in the way. Aren’t our thighs and stomachs too fat? The scars not too visible? Are we nice enough? With paid sex, that tension is much less present, as I have noticed. Still, I didn’t book the gigolo after that. Because I got a boyfriend. I then learned to really enjoy and relax from and with him. Together we are still on a journey of discovery.
Poem by Phil Bosmans
A little love
can be like a drop of water
that gives strength to a flower
to get up again
A little love
can heal a man!
To heal a man is to help her,
to find the lost courage.