Healthy sex after sexual violence
René: “For more than 15 years, I have been meeting with women who are victims of sexual violence or sexual misconduct.
In addition to the professional therapy they may already be receiving, I can try to help them step by step to reconnect with their body. Of course, this involves some trial and error, but ultimately the results are often hopeful.
Below, you can read how some of these women experienced that journey.”
Sexual violence & sexual misconduct
Sexual violence and sexual misconduct often leave deep, lasting scars. Intimacy may later feel “dirty” or shameful, which – often unconsciously – can lead women to shut down emotionally and dissociate. The connection between body and mind becomes disrupted.
Recovering from this kind of trauma is incredibly difficult. Therapy can help, but it is often a process of trial and error – and it takes time. What happened will always remain part of someone’s story. It cannot be undone.
Healing takes time
Beyond the emotional impact, physical touch can also become difficult. Experiencing intimacy as it once was may feel out of reach. For partners, it can be equally challenging to initiate or sustain what feels like a “normal” sexual relationship.
While a therapist supports the emotional and psychological recovery, some people may choose to work with a gigolo as part of rebuilding their physical connection to touch. Step by step, physical contact is gently reintroduced. The first stages focus on soft, non-sexual touch, with clothes on. Gradually, as comfort and trust increase, the touch may become more sensual, exploring each new step at a careful and respectful pace.
The process often unfolds in phases – from tension, to relaxation, to arousal, to release. Over time, these new, positive experiences can begin to take up more space, allowing painful associations to gradually fade into the background.
Step by step
Essential, of course, is creating a safe and comfortable atmosphere – step by step. Is it possible to relax during the massages, to let go of “thinking” and allow “feeling” to emerge?
After about five sessions, the positive impact is often noticeable. Women begin to feel more at ease in their own bodies and grow in confidence. Of course, healing from trauma also involves difficult moments, such as emotional breakdowns, as old pain surfaces and needs to be processed. But these setbacks typically become less intense, and the time between them gradually increases. Over time, it becomes easier to accept the past and move forward.
Female sexuality
Female sexuality is still not always fully understood. When intimacy does not feel satisfying – or not satisfying enough – it can gradually begin to feel like an obligation rather than a source of connection. Over time, this may even lead to frustration or resentment.
But when lovemaking is truly pleasurable, it can have a deeply relaxing and soothing effect, offering both satisfaction and release. Enjoyable intimacy benefits both body and mind. Creating a safe space is essential, and everything unfolds step by step. Can you relax during the massages, let go of overthinking, and simply allow yourself to feel?
In short, a healthy sex life can give a woman greater confidence and energy, and help her cope more effectively with stress. Below, you will find personal stories from women who have met with me. For each of them, taking that first step and reaching out was incredibly difficult.
Footnote: Prevention is always better than cure. Sexual violence and sexual misconduct are never acceptable and must be addressed immediately. Every victim is one too many..
Claudia – Rene makes the impossible happen
Like many other women, I experienced sexual abuse in my childhood. As a result, I gradually lost myself over the years. I had erased so much of who I was that I no longer knew who I truly was or what I wanted.
By then, I was married to a kind and understanding man who was aware of my past. We didn’t have a sex life; we lived more like brother and sister. We did many enjoyable things together, but intimacy was largely absent.
Therapy
Until one day, I simply couldn’t go on. I went through various forms of therapy, and slowly things began to shift. At some point, I felt talked out and started looking for someone who could help me feel again. And I succeeded. With the help of a coach, I gradually found my way back to myself and began to reconnect with my feelings.
My husband and I grew closer again, although sex was still not possible. Then everything suddenly came to a halt when my husband passed away after a long illness. The loss was immense, and intimacy disappeared entirely. At some point, I realized I couldn’t continue like this and once again began searching for help.
I came across René’s website and, after much hesitation, decided to reach out and send him an email. His reply was prompt, encouraging, and kind. He clearly had extensive experience with women in situations like mine. Before arranging a meeting, we spoke on the phone, which gave me the courage to set a date. There were still doubts, but René offered the option to cancel up to four hours before the appointment.
I didn’t cancel, and to this day, I have never regretted that decision. After just a few dates, I was able to have sex with a man again. René was also there for me during moments when things felt overwhelming and the grief for my late husband became too heavy. He made time for me, held me in his arms when I needed comfort, and gently guided me further into the many facets of deeply fulfilling intimacy and sex.
For the first time, I was even able to climax with a man – something that had previously felt impossible.
Step by step
René once described it as learning the tango; he as the dance teacher, and I as the student. And that’s exactly how it felt. He simply led the way, guiding me step by step toward the ultimate goal, in a gentle, warm, and relaxed manner. Even long after René had returned home, he continued to provide aftercare, offering tips and regularly checking in to see how I was doing. That meant so much to me.
Because I met with René regularly and we gradually developed a deeply satisfying sexual connection, my self-confidence returned. Eventually, I felt like a completely normal woman again, someone who was able to make love with a man, something that had once felt impossible.
I have since met a wonderful man, and I’m curious to see what the future holds. Without René, this would not have been possible.
Fulfilling
Finally, to all the women visiting this website, reading this and still hesitating: gather all your courage and reach out to René. I did the same – and I have not regretted it for a single second. On the contrary, René turns sex and intimacy into a deeply fulfilling experience every time. Even if you think it won’t work for you: it will with René.
René is a kind, warm, patient, and genuinely caring man who truly knows how to help a woman experience pleasure. I am incredibly grateful that he crossed my path.
Claudia
Iris – Believing in tomorrow again!
Iris’ story was originally published in the July 2020 issue of Linda magazine. The article has been translated into English and is available on the media page. Below, you can read her translated story – the way she shared it with me after a series of successful sessions.
First of all…why? Because I missed intimacy so deeply, that’s why. At some point I thought: This isn’t how it should be….something has to change.
Assault
A few years ago, on New Year’s Eve, I was assaulted. Two men approached me and blocked my path. One of them moved behind me and grabbed my arms, while the other – standing in front of me – did what he came to do. I was frozen with fear and shock. I didn’t fight back…I didn’t do anything. And that, not doing anything, is what I blamed myself for the most. I felt so powerless.
At some point, the man holding me said, “She smokes.” (I was indeed holding a cigarette at the time) And just like that, he let go of my arms and the two of them walked away. So bizarre how those words stick with you.
I ran to my bike and rode home in tears. When I got there, I collapsed on the stairs, and that’s where I woke up the next morning, all alone. In a moment like that, you feel so hurt, so lonely, and incredibly sad.
Emotions
Later, that sadness turned into anger. That’s an easier emotion for me to feel, although it doesn’t really get you anywhere. From that point on, I stopped going out. I was too scared to leave the house after dark, and my world kept getting smaller and smaller.
I did talk about the assault with a few friends, and that helped a lot. And yes, I eventually went out again and had intimate contact for the first time. Two and a half years had passed since the assault. But the feeling I had afterward wasn’t a good one. I felt empty, numb. There was no joy or excitement.
Later, I had intimate moments with other men, but only with people I’d gotten to know and trusted. But even then, I never really felt the way I used to. Looking back, I now realize it wasn’t just about me. Intimacy is something you create together – with both people involved. Yes, after a few drinks I could “enjoy” it… but that wasn’t what I truly wanted. I wanted to enjoy intimacy sober.
Reflections
After someone in my circle of friends passed away, I started reflecting on what was still missing in my life. You’re alive now, so do the things you love! That loss reminded me how short life can be. And the first thing that came to mind was: intimacy.
But how do you even approach that? Do you take a chance and just meet someone, hoping they’re what you’re looking for? Hoping they’ll treat you with respect? I couldn’t do that. And I didn’t want to do that. Like I said before, I wanted to be able to enjoy intimacy again – sober.
Booking a gigolo?
That’s when the idea came to me: what if I booked a gigolo? It felt really intense, and honestly, I had no idea where to begin. So first, I read a lot about it. I wanted to understand what I was getting into and read about other women’s experiences. Most of what I found was surprisingly positive. That’s how I came across René’s website. I studied it thoroughly and read everything I could. I even discussed it with a few friends. After a few laughs and some teasing, I decided to send him an email.
In the end, a few months passed between having the thought and actually reaching out. In that first message, I told René that I’d had a bad experience in the past, and asked if he could help me. He replied with a warm, understanding email, explaining what our date would look like and reassuring me that I’d always have the choice to continue, or even stop, at any moment. I found it so comforting that, as a woman, I had full control.
Set a date
We quickly set a date, though I asked for a few more weeks to prepare myself. Thinking about it is one thing – actually doing it is something else entirely.
Then the day finally came… In the days leading up to it, I was already feeling nervous. On the day itself, I was a bundle of nerves, and as the time got closer, I suddenly thought, Can I still back out of this? Just then – the doorbell rang.
I opened the door, and there was René. I didn’t know how to act or what to do. How do you even greet someone in a moment like that? Thankfully, he took the lead and just reached out to shake my hand. I was so relieved that I didn’t have to give the usual three kisses or a hug right away.
Once inside, we chatted about normal, everyday things, and I felt my nerves slowly melt away. As the conversation went on, I noticed myself becoming more and more curious about him. Could he give me the kind of intimacy I’d been longing for? Would I feel good afterwards, or would that empty, disconnected feeling come back again?
He asked if he could touch my knee and hold my hands – and I said yes. What a lovely feeling that was. After that, we went upstairs, where he lit a candle and some incense. He asked if I wanted to take off my dress, and in a quiet voice, I asked if he could turn off the light :). He did, and then I slipped off my dress and lay down on the bed in my lingerie.
Erotic massage
He started massaging my back, and although my mind was racing at first, the thoughts slowly began to fade. His touch was gentle, warm, and attentive, and the massage gradually became more and more erotic. He asked if he could take off my top, and all I could think was, Yes – and quickly, please!
The moment he kissed my neck, my mind just switched off, and my body took over. For the first time, I was able to completely surrender to someone. I wasn’t worried about whether I looked sexy or if I was doing things the “right” way. All that mattered was feeling the moment and truly enjoying it.
He knew exactly what he was doing, and that gave me confidence. I appreciated that, for once, the man was leading the date and that I didn’t have to be the one to initiate everything.
Already during that first date we were intimate, and it was a completely new experience for me.I also found it incredibly arousing, and after having multiple orgams (I lost count), I felt like I was floating. When he asked, “How are you feeling?”, all I could do was grin and say I felt a little giggly. “Very good,” he replied with a smile. 🙂
Eye-opening
Afterwards, we had a drink and talked about the past few hours. I found it both exciting and eye-opening that someone I didn’t know could make me feel this way. Experiencing sex as something so magical felt truly special.
The days after our date passed in a bit of a daze. I was floating on a kind of pink cloud that I didn’t want to come down from, in the best way possible! Over the next few days, René and I stayed in touch through messages, and I really appreciated that little bit of aftercare. After about a week, the cloud lifted, but I stayed happily wrapped up in my own bubble for two whole weeks. It felt amazing.
We’re now on our third date, and I can feel my confidence growing more and more. Life is starting to smile at me again, and I’m daring to take more chances. I also notice that during my time with René, I relax more deeply and surrender more fully to him and his hands. I hope someday to experience that kind of connection with a partner. For now, I want to keep exploring this new world, and a fourth date with René is definitely on the horizon!
By sharing my story, I hope to give other women that little nudge to take the step and book an appointment with René too. I’ve made a start, but I know I’m not there yet. What happened to me shaped who I am, and made me build a wall around myself. That wall doesn’t just disappear overnight.
Faith
Still, I hope the scar it left behind will fade more and more. And that, little by little, the wall will come down. I’ll never forget what happened, but I will learn to live with it. I have faith in the future.
To all women out there: give this to yourself, and dare to truly live again!
Iris
Lisa – Intimacy beyond trauma
Lisa (38): I am writing this review in the hope that this will give other women the courage to take the step and meet with René. Let’s start at the beginning.
Assault
When I was 23 I was assaulted by two men on my way home one night. They nearly raped me and if it had not been for a passing bystander I know they would have succeeded. After this experience I closed myself off to men, both physically and emotionally. Occasionally I would have a date or several dates if I really liked the person but as soon as it was time for the next step I would break things off, as I did not feel like I could be intimate with them. As time went on I did try to be intimate, but it was never successful as I froze as soon as they tried to penetrate me.
I never told anyone about the assault which made it difficult to bring up, let alone with someone I had just met. I had therapy and felt that I had moved on emotionally, but my body kept letting me down. I lived my life as best as I could, had a successful career, busy social life and loving family around me but there was always a sense of loneliness. I wanted nothing more than have a partner in my life but could not see how I could make that happen without being able to be intimate.
Male sex worker
Earlier this year I met someone I really liked and decided I had to do something to break the cycle. I knew I needed someone to help me overcome my fear and anxiety. It had to be someone who would not judge me but would simply help me relax and teach me that sex can be enjoyable, so that I could move on. I started to look online to see if there were sex therapists who also provide help on the physical side but could not find any. I then started to search for male sex workers, but their site’s left me feeling intimidated and frankly scared since they are all about looks and sex but show no understanding of the emotional side of being intimate for women.
Experienced
I am in Amsterdam for work occasionally and know that The Netherlands is much more emancipated and free thinking, so I decided to have a look at Dutch sites too, to see if they offered what I was looking for. Many of the sites were comparable with the UK sites but eventually I came across René’s site. As soon as I saw the site and read the reviews I knew that I had found what I was looking for.
The emphasis is very much based on the enjoyment of sex in a “safe” setting and it is clear from the reviews that René is experienced and can be trusted. I read similar cases to mine, where women were once again able to enjoy sex, after years of no sex, due to sexual assault, a sexless marriage, not finding the right partner or even women whom had never had sex.
So, I decided to just go for it and sent an email to René. I explained my situation and asked him if we could arrange to meet up. René answered the same day and told me he thought he could help me overcome my fear over the course of several date’s. He suggested I would come to Amsterdam for a week so that we could take the time to get to know each other and work towards being intimate at a pace that felt comfortable for me. René explained there was no pressure and I could cancel at any time, even after the first appointment. This took the pressure off, so I decided to go ahead and booked the trip.
Attractive and calm
We agreed to meet for four times during the course of the week. René made it clear the first date would just be an opportunity to chat and to get to know each other and that we would slowly work towards being intimate during the next dates. I was extremely nervous prior to the first date but felt at ease as soon as I saw René. He is attractive but for me his calmness and openness were what were most important.
We spent 30 minutes chatting over a cup of coffee and I felt very relieved to be able to share my feelings and talk about the assault with someone else. René explained that the next date would consist of a massage, first with clothes on and then just underwear.
The 2nd date also started off with a chat over a cup of coffee. René brought candles, incense, blankets and massage oil so that a peaceful and comfortable atmosphere was created. The soft light also made it easier for me to take my clothes off as I quite self-conscious about my body. The massage was wonderful, and I felt relaxed and comfortable around René. Instead of feeling anxious I really started to look forward to the next date, which was going to be an erotic massage without clothes.
Erotic massage
The 3rd date really changed things for me. The massage started off with me in my underwear and then progressed to me being naked. Once again there were candles and incense and relaxing music so that I could fully relax. René (through experience) knows what women want and like and really takes his time during the massage. He takes his time to massage you all over with a kiss thrown in here and there. It was all very erotic and sensuous, and I felt extremely turned on after it. This was a good sign as I had not felt like that in years and knew I needed this feeling if I was going to be able to be intimate.
Pleasure
The last date started off as the 3rd and progressed to a stage where I felt so turned on I really wanted him to penetrate me. He brought some toys to try first which felt exciting and made me even more turned on. After a while penetration just happened naturally without any difficulty. The sex itself felt great but also strange as I was sharing something very intimate and personal with someone I did not have feelings for. By focusing on the pleasure, I finally managed to enjoy it too.
I did not kiss him as this felt too intimate for me, but really enjoyed him kissing my body and face. It helps that René tells you what he is going to do, asks you if you are ok and allows you to react in whichever way you want. I could be myself and he knew when to say something or to just be quiet. Afterwards we chatted for a bit, had a drink and it all felt very relaxed and comfortable when we said goodbye.
Intimate
It took me a few days to really comprehend what had happened. I finally managed to do something I had not been able to do in years and thought I could no longer do at all. I still worry about being able to be intimate with someone else but now also know that I just need to find the right person.
René is very calm and approachable and always puts your needs first. He also keeps in touch in between and after dates which is nice. For me it was a process I was going through alone so I could not share my feelings with anyone else and having contact with René allowed me to share my thoughts and fears, even after the final date. I would highly recommend René to all women out there who need help to become (more) comfortable with their sexuality.
Trust
He has seen it all, so understands, like no other, what women think and feel and he knows what to say at the right time. Yes, he is a gigolo, but this is also what enables him to know exactly what women need. For most women, there are no real alternatives to getting (physical) help, so if you do decide to go for it then it should be with someone who you can trust and who puts both your body and mind at ease. Personally, I do not look at René as a gigolo but more as a sex-therapist as he provides a combination of psychological and physical help which is exactly what I needed.
Yes, you can!
If you are wondering if this might be for you then look no further and go for it! As René says: Yes you can!
Lisa
Pieternel – Meeting a gigolo after sexual abuse
In my childhood, people touched me in ways they shouldn’t have. This has left a lasting mark on my life. I still feel the consequences every day – particularly because, due to my past, I will never be able to have children.
Lack of love
Love and warmth were things I had never felt, let alone any erotic feelings. And that’s what I was searching for — just to feel good, nothing more. Approaching a gigolo seemed terrifying to me. But René’s website looked professional, and the photo he emailed seemed trustworthy. Even in our email exchange, he was open and honest.
He suggested that for our first meeting, we wouldn’t go anything intimate. That made me feel safe. René explained that he could help a woman experience erotic pleasure. I simply wanted to feel that good sensation, to experience some kind of enjoyment for the first time.
Relaxation massage
After that, he emailed me his story along with some additional photos. That made me feel more comfortable about meeting him.
In his emails, he asked all kinds of questions: “Have you ever enjoyed erotic feelings?” “Do you know what it’s like to feel aroused?” I honestly had no idea what that even felt like. That was exactly why I had reached out to him – I wanted to experience it too, to understand what it meant.
He said we would start with a relaxation massage, which already felt much safer. But I wanted him to go further — I wanted to feel it so badly. I bombarded him with questions over email. What did I know?! He always answered carefully and respectfully.
I thought about it constantly – really, a lot – and for me, reaching out like this was a huge step.
Feeling good!
The day of our meeting was approaching, and by then I was positively excited. And then it finally happened. First, a cup of coffee and a little chat. Then the relaxation massage. I was incredibly tense at first, but little by little, I began to relax. And then… astonishment. I was completely overwhelmed by everything.
I actually had feelings! I didn’t understand it at all – I had never felt this before, and now suddenly with a stranger. I didn’t even know this sensation existed, but it felt so amazing. I wanted to feel it again!
Thank you for making it possible for me to trust you like that, I was so surprised by it!
In the days that followed… wow, I didn’t understand what had happened. What had I done? What had happened??? But above all, I kept thinking: when will I see him again?! I want to feel this again and again. I want it so badly!
What happened next?
Two weeks later:
I found the experience very special. I’m still amazed by it. No one was ever allowed to touch me. I was always on guard and knew how to avoid physical contact. And with René, it felt right so quickly. I felt safe and at ease.
I think this was because of his openness and honesty. But also because he made it clear in his emails that nothing was required, and that I could even keep part of my clothes on if I wanted. That gave me calm and trust. His demeanor, and the way he would always ask if I was okay, made me feel safe.
And when we were done, he didn’t leave immediately – he stayed lying with me for a while. It felt so safe. I found René to be a truly remarkable man.
Another two weeks later:
Still, I hit quite a low point again. René had turned my “feeling switch” back on, and that had felt really good.
However, in the weeks that followed, all the painful feelings from the past came rushing back with full force. It has been very dark in my life. I felt sad and worthless. I felt tired and miserable. There was nothing I could do, it just happened.
Unfortunately, therapy became necessary again. Not pleasant, but fortunately, things started moving in the right direction again. Three and a half months after the first appointment, I scheduled a second session and I had asked to take it slowly. I had no idea how I would react and it felt terrifying again.
Floating..
Phew, it felt amazing – I felt again, really felt again. I never thought something could feel this good. I’m still floating a little and have butterflies in my lower stomach. Looking back, the day of my first appointment with René was really the beginning of my new life. He was technically a stranger to me, and yet… it felt like something so special.
8 weeks later:
I’m actually doing better and better. Since the last session, I haven’t had any setbacks or anything like that. Things are only getting better, thankfully!
One year after the first appointment:
I’m alive again. I’ve been through a difficult search for the right kind of help, but in the end, I found someone who really helped me. I’m starting to find some peace with my past, and I can tolerate gentle touches again. Sometimes, I even enjoy a hug.
Final push
I can genuinely laugh again and find joy in what I do. So, actually, things are going pretty well for me. René has meant a lot to me during that time. He gave me the final push I needed to seek help and fight for my life.
Pieternel
Yasmine – Enjoying eroticism after sexual abuse. It’s possible!
Gigolo… the word alone made me shudder. Whoever was behind it didn’t stand a chance from the start.
For a Moroccan woman, raised strictly according to Islamic rules and carrying a history of abuse, any contact with a gigolo is unthinkable. Yet that same background was also the reason I couldn’t have any intimate or even personal contact with a man at all.
Warmth
As my birthday approached, I realized I was heading toward forty. If I ever wanted to experience warmth (I didn’t dare think beyond that), then something would truly have to change. And I wanted it so badly. The loneliness was becoming stronger than the fear.
In a conversation with my therapist, whom I had started seeing by then, I joked, “Maybe I should just get a gigolo.” To my shock, she took it seriously. I was startled. She even sent me a link to a website. It took me quite a while before I could bring myself to look at it. What could really happen? I told myself I could always click it away.
The website looked beautiful, not vulgar at all. From several testimonials, it seemed that many women had benefited greatly from an appointment and that it had even helped them move toward having a normal relationship. Could it really be possible?
Inner struggle
After a hellish inner struggle, I finally dared to send an email with a short description of myself and a request to make an appointment, just to get it over with. The reply came quickly and, to my surprise, it wasn’t businesslike at all. It was open, understanding, and personal.
He emphasized that safety and trust came first and suggested that we shouldn’t be intimate the first time. I certainly hadn’t planned on that anyway, but the fact that he proposed it himself gave me some peace of mind. I could decide what we would do and how. No obligations.
It was supposed to be about enjoyment. I had no idea what that even felt like, but we would see, I thought. He sent me some personal information and photos of himself. I could ask him anything, but since I couldn’t imagine any of it, I didn’t even know what to ask. What was I supposed to ask him?
Natural
As the appointment drew closer, my nerves were racing. And then the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there he was… René.
Fighting back a panic attack (what on earth am I doing?!) and the urge to slam the door shut, I let him in. He sat down calmly, made small talk, and we had a drink. There was no pity, no heavy atmosphere, just a normal introduction. His attitude and natural way of being created a beginning.
Little by little I started to thaw, but I immediately became guarded again when he suggested a massage. It could be done with clothes on, which reassured me somewhat. He began gently. It felt awkward, since I had always avoided physical contact.
Massage
But I pushed through and told myself it was just a matter of getting used to it. René kept asking how I was doing, and little by little it did get easier. After a while he suggested continuing the massage lying down on the couch. My heart was pounding, but because of his attentive manner, I dared to go along with it. I felt stiff as a board.
He asked what I would like to do myself. Hesitantly, I suggested a hug. In the exhausting buildup to this appointment, I had promised myself I would at least try that. He wrapped his arms around me, and I felt as if my heart might leap out of my chest. That’s how frightening it was. But René simply held me and did nothing more. The gentle embrace unsettled me, yet I remained rigid in his arms.
Cheek to cheek..
Slowly, I began to thaw again, while the familiar voice in my head started speaking to me as it always had. That voice that had controlled my life for so long, the one I could never overpower. Just as a negative image flashed through my mind and the voice reacted sharply, René held me tighter. As if I really was worth being held like that.
And then I broke down. I hated crying in front of him. I was deeply ashamed. René asked if I was okay, but I couldn’t get a single word out. Without saying anything more, he just kept holding me. The warmth, the support, the comfort that radiated from that…
After we had another drink, we embraced again. With his support, I managed to ignore the voice in my head. The feeling of his cheek against mine was unlike anything I had ever known and awakened emotions I hadn’t even realized existed. The first step had been taken, and René left a deep impression on me. It stayed on my mind constantly, and I kept reliving the feeling of his warm embrace over and over again.
The trust is there!
Because he had truly done only what he said he would do, I dared to arrange a second appointment a few weeks later. René suggested that, if I wanted, we could exchange more emails to let trust grow. A pleasant email exchange followed, and I was amazed by how perceptive he was. His understanding, insight, and warm words helped me put into language what I hadn’t been able to express during our time together. I found it incredible that I could do that so quickly, and with a man who was still, essentially, a stranger.
The second appointment was a revelation. Through our emails, trust had indeed grown, and I opened the door with a calm heart. Once again, fully clothed, we embraced. His cheek against mine felt even better than I remembered. A thought flashed through my mind that this was right, just as it was.
Tingles..
After a while, René asked if it would be okay to try the embrace lying down on the couch, just to see how that would feel. Almost naturally, we ended up lying there, and I was able to relax surprisingly quickly. He asked if I was all right, and when I said yes, he asked me to close my eyes. Nothing could happen to me. After some hesitation, I did.
Then, featherlight and very slowly, I felt his gentle fingers caress my face, my neck, my back. I didn’t know what was happening to me. My body responded to his touch. From the top of my head, I felt tingles run down my spine all the way to my toes. I had never imagined it could feel like that. It was an indescribably beautiful sensation, and at the same time I felt embarrassed that my body reacted that way. I pushed the shame aside and let the wonderful feeling flow through me.
Emotions
René asked me again if I was okay, and I nodded. I couldn’t find the words, but he could tell it was affecting me. He mentioned that a kiss on the neck is often very sensitive for a woman, a spot many women love, and asked if it would be alright to try. I had no idea how it would feel, but after his gentle touches, I grew curious. Still hesitant, I let him.
The moment René very softly kissed my neck, a shock ran through me. What was that?! I had no idea what was happening, so I just giggled awkwardly, not knowing how to react. Complete confusion, yet it felt unbelievably wonderful. He asked if he could do it again. Yes! I couldn’t make sense of it, but I definitely wanted to feel that amazing sensation once more. A storm of emotions rushed through my mind. René didn’t continue for long, and eventually he calmly held me again. I was completely overwhelmed by this encounter as well.
Calm and safe
In the meantime, I had been working with my therapist on the voice in my head, which was still there but gradually growing quieter. Things were going so positively that I found myself looking forward to my next visit from René.
A few weeks later, it was time again. The embrace now felt comfortably warm and familiar. It made me feel calm and safe. Safe? Yes, safe, how that was even possible is still a mystery to me, but it was true. In his natural, calm way, René made sure there was no reason for tension, allowing us to take another small step forward each time. As he himself had said, the foundation for my approach to intimacy was being laid – something I had once thought impossible!
Intense feelings
Practicing kissing (because, after all, that’s usually where it all starts, often even on a first date) kept getting easier. To my astonishment, I didn’t find it disgusting or gross at all. The first time, the old feeling of just having to endure it was still there. René never pressured me and simply tried again at each meeting, calmly and gently.
Gradually, I not only began to enjoy it, but I even kissed him back! Unbelievable, because if anything had kept me from making contact before, it was the looming dread of kissing – let alone what might come after. I couldn’t believe it; I truly had feelings, and how intense they were!
He took off his shirt, and by now I felt so safe with him that before I even realized it, I took mine off too. The feeling of his skin against mine was even more intense than I had imagined. He let me adjust slowly and began caressing me again. It made me feel beautiful and feminine… so that’s what that felt like.
He continued with the massage, starting with my back. I was able to lie there completely relaxed – until he very lightly brushed along my side, and my breath caught. The highlight came when he finished with a few kisses on my back.. These weren’t just tingles anymore, they felt like electric shocks!! I had never imagined a feeling like that, even in my wildest dreams… WOW… I slipped into a kind of trance that helped me push past my shame, and I could touch René too. Did I really do that? Yes. I could, and I did.
Freedom and happiness
As a finale, I got a few kisses on the neck again, not gentle this time, but not rough either. The sound he made, his cheek brushing against my skin, sent hundreds of electric shocks through my body. I felt everything at once, all mixed up. It was like being on a rollercoaster. The sense of relief, freedom, and happiness was overwhelming.
A few days later, however, I suddenly had a severe setback. Unexpectedly and overwhelmingly, the thundering voice in my head returned. I felt worthless. Luckily, I had an appointment with my therapist the next day. She helped me regain my footing. Later, I was able to tell René about it via email. This relapse had knocked me down, but it also affected him as a gigolo. Instead of being put off, he supported me and sent me a link to an article he had found, which turned my world upside down and then back again, giving me recognition and validation.
Live again
I couldn’t understand at all why someone would do something like this for me. What had I done to deserve it? What had I done to deserve René? Maybe God hadn’t forgotten me after all and had sent René into my life. Because of René, I now know what it means to enjoy, to experience, to feel, to savor… I’m starting to live again. The empty, lifeless feeling I had carried for twenty-five years is gone. René has given me the key to my cell door, which still opens with difficulty and a creak, but a ray of sunlight is already streaming in.
I’m not there yet. It will take a lot of strength to push the door further open, but now I know I will get there. My connection with René is not over. In a million years, I never thought I would be able to say this, but the gigolo still makes me shiver – only now with pleasure.
Hope
Thank you, René, for what you have managed to bring about… a hope for a new life.
Yasmine
Jose – The unplayed violin
A beautiful violin sits at the back of a hall. There are many other instruments around. It tries to make its sound heard, but it gets drowned out. Very gently, soft notes emerge. The violin wants to play louder, but it’s afraid of standing out. Even more frightening is the thought of being rejected for its sound. So it chooses to stay silent.
One day, someone comes along and takes it away. The violin thinks it will be admired and finally able to let its beautiful tones ring out. Unfortunately, it has been taken by someone who knows nothing about violins. Drums are beaten on it. It screams silently, Hello! I’m not a drum!! Once again, it chooses silence, thinking it’s better than being untouched in a corner.
Years pass this way, and it gets used to living as a drum disguised as a violin. Well, isn’t that better than being an unplayed violin?
A few years ago, something happened that made it see itself differently. It decided things had to change. Step by step, it freed itself from the drummer and ran away. Much has happened since then. If you’ve believed you’re a drum for a long time, you don’t simply become a violin again overnight.
Fortunately, it came into contact with an older violin that showed it it truly is a violin. The wise violin told the disguised drum-violin to shed the drums and play its own strings. It got rid of the drums, but playing its own strings was still difficult. Old habits crept back once more. This time, it remembered faster that it is a violin.
It hopes that one day it will meet an experienced violinist who knows exactly how to touch and play its fragile strings, so it can hear its own tones again and learn to play them itself. It looks forward to hearing its full sound. Deep down, it believes this will happen.
This insight was confirmed yesterday by someone who truly understands violins. He touched its strings and played them. The tones echoed within. It knows the music can be even more beautiful, but its strings are fragile. They need practice. It looks forward to fully letting its sound ring out, and deep inside it has always believed it would happen.
A few years ago, I wrote this metaphor about myself. Rene, you are that violinist I’ve been waiting for all this time, and deep down I’ve always known I would meet you sooner or later.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Jose
Petra – A new beginning
May 2017… and now, a year later.
Positive experience
I’m so glad I got in touch with you and had such a positive experience with you! It has given my life a new boost. I was at my psychologist last week, and she also noticed how well I’m doing. She asked me to pass on her compliments to you. How you’ve worked with me, the approach you used, was exactly what I needed to get to where I am now. She thinks it’s amazing – just like I do!
More confident
In just one year, this change has given me growth in many areas and a renewed sense of self-worth. I’m much more confident now and truly enjoying my life again. Last year, I couldn’t have imagined being where I am today. My psychologist even said she would advise meeting with you from time to time. I find that remarkable, especially since she initially wasn’t fully on board.
Listening to your heart
She didn’t have much confidence in it at first, but now she has changed her mind, at least in my case. I’ve learned to listen to my heart, and that’s been so valuable. I regularly go out with a friend, and I enjoy my new job. In such a short time, I’ve grown so much, and it’s been a joy.
Reflecting
I just wanted to take a moment to reflect with you. Who knows, maybe we’ll meet again.
Petra
Emma – A rite of passage
February 2023
It doesn’t feel easy when I walk unsteadily into my husband’s office at 8:15 am on Friday morning. I hear myself say softly, “Goodbye, I’m going now, see you this afternoon”. Is there any training where you as a woman can learn how to say hello to your own husband when you go to a gigolo? Or how to behave when you get home? We remain silent, despite the fact that we both know that I have a ‘date’ with gigolo René this afternoon.
A date with Gigolo Rene
I’m a coward, don’t dare to look his eyes straight. Timidly he says, “Goodbye”, back. Ambivalent feelings make me nauseous. ‘It’ was discussed in the couples therapy session, but then why do I feel like a cheater? I took a day off to go to my ‘date’ with gigolo René.
I sling the brown leather laptop bag over my shoulder, extra filled with my Chanel shower gel, Dior make-up bag and a clean lace yellow bra and thong. That’s it! When I close the door behind me, I think of the lyrics of a song from a distant past:
I’m gonna make a change
For once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right
This Emma, the brave and courageous, is also part of me. I sometimes deny her, I don’t know her very well, but I think she’s pretty cool. She is calculating and knows what is good for me.
That is why she first drives to the supermarket to get a sandwich, some fruit and something sweet. She treats herself to brightly colored macarons. Going on a date while hungry doesn’t seem very convenient to her!
Hotel
The courageous and brave Emma parks in the garage under the hotel. She also performs excellently at the check-in counter of the hotel. She shows her passport without batting an eyelid, pays for the room and receives the key tag. It is 10:10 am when she enters the hotel room. A neat and tidy room with nothing to complain about. Or anyway…
I’m cold! I press all the buttons on the thermostat and this upsets me and suddenly I feel a panic. Why do I always have a fight with a thermostat? For god’s sake what am I doing here! Am I not a hotel whore?
Suddenly I feel so lonely and I am no longer the brave, courageous Emma and I suddenly think of what Jan-Willem always says to me when I shoot into this mode, “Vipassana meditation, stay in your own strength. Go with your thoughts to your tailbone. Focus on your breathing and feel…”.
Calm and at ease
And I start to calm down and feel conscious, and breathing from my tailbone. Because I am getting better practiced in this, after 15 minutes I can focus well on my breathing. I become calm, calm and aware again of what brought me here. Why I want this. Why I want this so badly.
I lie down on the bed under the covers, because I’m still very cold. I hate it when I’m cold! I decide not to take a bath, as René suggested earlier, because I read somewhere in a women’s magazine that a hotel bath is a source of bacteria.
Me time
I read something under the covers in bed and I doze off a bit, a luxurious feeling of me-time overwhelms me. Actually I enjoy this peace, it’s quite nice. I wake up with a start when René texts me that he will arrive at 12.35 pm. I text back that there is no more parking space in front of the hotel and that I have parked my car at one of the two charging stations in the parking garage.
When I receive a message from René that he has arrived, I expect him to come to the room. However, he texts that he is waiting for me in the garage at one of the electric charging stations and cannot find me?? Oops… I quickly jump out of bed, put on my coat, take the key tag with me and walk to the stairwell. When I finally reach floor -1 with the elevator and get out, I immediately see René.
Boom!
Heart palpitations, I’m about to explode inside. My brain sends messages to my heart for more oxygen. I’m on edge!
Attractive
René is an attractive man, physically fit (read: not a fat man with a fat beer belly), but also not a macho, a ‘look at me being a pretty boy’ type of man. He has a well-groomed appearance and attire and appears to have integrity. Next to him is a large trolley case and I secretly think: What’s he got in there?. We greet one another.
Together we step into the elevator to the 2nd floor, akward feelings, but not dark or scary, on the contrary. We walk down the corridor where chambermaids are busy cleaning rooms. Is it my imagination, or do I feel their eyes burning in my back..?
I open the door and we enter the room and I ask René if he wants a drink. He offers to do it himself. I prefer to do it so that I can actively do something with my hands.
Introduction
When we both take a seat and have a drink, René asks questions about my current situation. Calmly I tell him about it and René shows through his advice and observations that he understands me.
How was intimacy in my 1st marriage? (nothing!!). And how things are now in my current marriage (nothing!!). How long did the marriage with my ex-husband last?
Intelligent people can be recognized by the questions they ask. And René asks the right questions to shape his picture of my situation. When we get to safety, I hope I’ve been able to make it clear that’s why I chose my husband. To this René says that I should be grateful to him for these safe years, in which I could let my sexuality flourish in complete safety. He touches me enormously with one simple sentence.
“Now that you are finally in sync with your
own sexuality……it is not there!”.
Fortunately, he has a sense of proportion and does not ask any direct questions about the sexual abuse. When he asks how often I masturbate, my throat almost locks up, but I answer honestly. Normally once a month or something like that, but since I know about this date the frequency has been increased to once a week.
Touch
We have another drink and René puts his stuff ready and puts on some relaxing music. He asks me to move my chair closer and give my right hand so he can experience how I react to his touch. It feels good when he caresses my hand, then I give my left hand.
I feel no fear or hindrance when he stands behind me and asks if he can touch my hair. I love it when my hair is stroked. When his hands touch my shoulders it still feels safe and good. My state of being is serene, still a little alert, but his gentleness and caution allow me to be and remain calm.
Soft & sensual
I lie down on my stomach on the bed, as he suggests, and breathe in and out slowly and I get a light massage. When René asks me to lie down on my back, I do. I want to take off my hold-up stockings, but René takes them off instead, gently and sensually slow. My right stocking first, then my left stocking. I hold my breath and feel butterflies in my gut.
When his hand rests on my stomach for a while, I hear him say, “It’s going to be okay, Emma,” and I don’t doubt his reassuring words for a moment. That’s why I don’t experience any embarrassment when the moment comes when I take off my dress and lie on my stomach with only my black bra and thong. I don’t feel naked, but well, and safely comfortable.
Intimate
René sits behind me and pushes his knee between my legs. Excuse me? Excuse me?? It feels so intimate to feel his leg between my legs, and his knee touches my erogenous zone. Oh my God!
When his hands caress my arms, back and legs, I stop thinking and start feeling. An undetected spot when he presses on my tailbone, just above my buttocks. I start to breathe heavier and find it hard to lie still and not to twist my buttocks. Can’t believe it, I’m getting excited! Luckily my hair is spread over my face and I can hide behind my long hair, and maybe he hears my moans less.
Sexual energy
René takes his shirt off and maybe more, but I’m not sure. I take my bra off, as he asks, and the massage continues. When he gets to the tender spot again, it repeats itself. I moan softly and feel a sensual energy (or is it sexual energy?) rising from below. I want more…
René then says, “I’ll stop the massage now, because you want something different now.” When I see him putting on a condom I stop ‘feeling’ and start ‘thinking’ again, and I think to myself, “Is this really true?” I realize I’ve never seen a man put on a condom in front of me and I find this a bit gross. This is a crucial moment for me, but when René notices my doubt, he lies down next to me with his naked body and we relax together for a moment. I’m relieved, this feels good…
Feeling..
We move on, I start to ‘feel’ again. I lie on my back and look up and see René entering me between my spread legs, and I feel that I am about to receive him. For a moment there is only this: René inside of me.
He waits.
I wait.
Moment of silence.
Time stands still.
Time does not exist.
There is no goal, no expectation.
There is no uncle, no man, no ex-husband, no therapist that I idolize and glorify, and with whom I actually want to have sex (transference, no!).
My life force emerges from very far and very deep within and my own primal sexuality awakens. In my head I shout out loud “YES”, when René starts to thrust. He thrusts into me harder and harder. I dissolve in my own energy and I dance in my head, I become fluid.
G-Spot
René is increasing the pace and I have never been taken so hard and deep. I’m even disappointed when he stops thrusting, but before I know it he puts his fingers in me, his fingers are now thrusting into me and I experience another unfamiliar sensation. When I climax, a waterfall of fluid squirts from my vagina
At that moment René says so very sweetly, “Good, good, you see, there is nothing wrong with you, you are doing so well”. I don’t get time to get out of my ‘feeling’, because René lifts my left leg, enters me again and thrusts hard while massaging my clitoris.
When we rest a bit in between, René repeats that I am doing well and that there is nothing wrong with me. I listen and caress his face, this makes me aroused again. Maybe Rene as well?
Exciting
He takes me from behind, I find this so exciting, the idea that he is looking down at my buttocks. Then he says, “Come and sit on me”, but then I don’t know what to do and I get a little shy. I don’t know what to do and I panic a little. I thought I should sit with my back to him, but that’s not what he meant. René wants me to sit on him facing him.
Very gently and sweetly he points out to me that I can place my left hand on his right thigh and my right hand on his left thigh. I didn’t know that this is possible… He points out to me that I can now move up and down myself. I feel so super feminine because of this; I look down at him and he looks up to me.
Climax
I can’t remember when he asks me to lie on my back again, but he lifts my legs with both hands. “It’s nice that you are so flexible”, I hear him say as he penetrates me deeply again. I come to a climax again and then suddenly René stops. He explains that it is a good time to stop, so that I can feel what I am experiencing so intensely. Then, one by one, he takes my breasts in his mouth and I float through space. I can no longer tell you all the details, it is too many experiences for one afternoon.
When on the side of the bed with my head outboard, René tucks a pillow under my buttocks and takes me to a climax again. We relax and René says, ”I notice that I also need to recover”.
Sweet
I lie in his arms and after a while I caress his face again and ask if I can ask him something. He says yes. Softly I ask about his peak and how he can do without it. I think he then says that it is also genetically determined and that this afternoon is about me and my sexual experience. But how is it possible that he becomes hard? That’s because of me, he says sweetly. When he takes me again, he too comes to a climax and quickly withdraws.
No sense of time when in each other’s arms, but in the end we want to know what time it is. This afternoon has passed so quickly, but we don’t want a knock at the door when it’s five o’clock. That would be quite a disappointment. Luckily we still have an hour left and I enjoy lying on his chest. Just a little while longer in paradise is all I want.
Relapse
I am amazed that my lust is still there when René takes a shower. He got water for me because he wants me to drink well. He wants me to take good care of myself in the days to come. He also says that we can email or text, because a relapse is lurking.
René says, when we stand close together for a while, “I would like to throw you back on the bed”. Hhmmmm….
When he’s in the bathroom, I suddenly feel that I don’t want to be left alone in the room and knock on the bathroom door in a bit of panic when he’s taking a shower. Would we be able to leave together? Fortunately, he understands this. I also quickly take a shower, find my clothes and get dressed again.
René proposes to have a drink together and to hug each other for the last time in the hotel room, and not outside, to avoid any recognition.
Close
When we talk afterward I feel the urge to be close to him for a while, and suddenly I sit on his lap and caress and kiss his face. Then it’s time and I ask what to do with the key tag. I can leave it like this, he explains.
As we walk to the elevator I feel the approaching goodbye. I find it hard to let go of René and step back into my life. Actually, I want to ask him to take me with him. Away from all that I have to work so hard for.
Goodbye
Other people are now boarding the elevator as well. Not fun!!! When we get to the garage, René says very sweetly, as if he senses that I’m having a hard time saying goodbye, that he walks with me to my car. René remains standing by the car until I drive away. My stomach is shrinking and I already miss him. I’m having a very hard time, but I don’t want to show or express it, and I say softly to myself: Bye René, thank you for what you have made me experience this afternoon. A little bit of healing on my way to the new Emma.
My doubts about my own sexuality have now disappeared for good! I now know very well what I want, and what I think I am entitled to after all these lost years. A feeling of grief overwhelms me.
Head in the clouds
As I drive away, I don’t look back and I let my tears flow. I’m on my way home where my husband is waiting for me with dinner. When I still come home with my head in the clouds, my courage suddenly drops. How am I going to face him? Am I going to be jolly and ask how his day was? It is a repetition of moves. I’m too cowardly to honestly tell how wonderful it was. That my body is still shaking with pleasure.
Joris does not look at me when I come home and immediately starts cooking dinner. When I see him acting dejectedly I approach him, wrap my arms around him and tell him that I love him very much. That I had gone well this afternoon and that I am grateful for the opportunity to do so. I expect questions from his side, but none come. We go on with our lives, it’s business as usual.
Enjoying sexuality
It feels like I’ve thrown something off myself, that I’m able to open myself up and never want to shut myself down again. That I am entitled to it, that I do not feel guilty or ashamed. I have been able to enjoy sexuality like I have never experienced before.
I feel like a woman again and not an abused, pitiful, frustrated, dirty Emma. I can have sex. I can handle it and apparently I can enjoy it! I didn’t feel disgusted for a moment.
..How you made them feel
I am happy and grateful to have been able to live this beautiful experience thanks to René, and I think of the text on his profile picture:
‘People will forget what you said,
forget what you did
but people will never forget how you made them feel’
Emma
Marieke – A taste of heaven
April 2016
As a child (from ages 5 to 15), I was sexually abused by a friend of the family. He penetrated me in every cavity and evolved from an abuser intent on my “pleasure” to someone who simply took what he pleased by force.
I responded by shutting down all physical sensation, becoming a limp doll, and also finding a way to go out of my body and up to the ceiling to watch what was happening there, but no longer being a part of it.
Frigid
As a young adult, I went into autopilot – robotic and extremely hard on myself – and I quickly realized that I was frigid and had vaginismus. I avoided physical contact at all costs; sex was out of the question. Relationships were basically impossible, because I couldn’t handle closeness or intimacy.
I did have friends, as long as they stayed safely at a distance. I learned to make myself unattractive to men—more than that, I essentially managed to make myself invisible to them. I became half a boy: dressing tough, covering everything, wearing high-necked tops, and hiding curves as much as possible with sports bras. I behaved in a masculine way and never made eye contact with men, unless they were part of my circle of friends and therefore safe for me.
“I was abused”
At the age of twenty-three, I experienced my first major trigger. I was working as a residential youth worker when a child in my group accused me of having sex with a colleague. He claimed he had seen everything. The accusation reached management level, and something inside me completely snapped. I — who could barely tolerate physical touch — was suddenly confronted with this. For the first time in my life, the words “I was abused” came out of my mouth, and I mentally collapsed.
At night, I began having flashbacks. I was terrified by the fragments I suddenly found myself reliving and had no way of dealing with the images. It became clear that I needed professional help.
For eight years, I worked incredibly hard to regain control over my life. I engaged in therapy, bodywork, and intensive weekends of emotional processing with teams of therapists. Only then did I feel able to truly resume my life. And yet, men still felt too threatening for me to consider having a life partner.
No sex life
So I fell in love with a woman. We built a family together, I gave birth to two children (and endured the loss of one), and I told myself it was a good life. We shared a great deal of intimacy, but we did not have a sexual relationship.
As I grew older, however, my physical health gradually declined, step by step, until my body suddenly gave out.
It was a wake-up call. Apparently, my history was still placing a heavy burden on my body; all my survival mechanisms were still running at full speed. I became a severe back patient, with multiple herniated discs. I was diagnosed with spasmophilia, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), and fibromyalgia.
My medical specialist asked whether I had a history of abuse, as this can sometimes contribute to chronic illness. I did. I was gently but firmly encouraged to reconnect with a trauma therapist, as it was possible that, despite all the hard work I had done as a young adult, something unresolved was now bringing me down – PTSD.
It turned out that I was mentally very strong, but my body could no longer keep up. So there I was, caught up with my own history, feeling that I had no real choice, especially now that I had a nine-year-old daughter growing up.
Therapy
For the second time in my life, I returned to therapy, this time EMDR. It quickly became clear that my doctor had been right: there were still very heavy issues I hadn’t processed back then. It became three intense years, during which I once again balanced work with therapy – but this time I also had a family. It was not easy! This time, however, it felt different. EMDR works deeply, and it felt like a thorough cleansing.
Step by step, I began to feel like a woman again. I started dressing differently, choosing dresses, low-cut tops, and clothes with striking cuts or patterns. I developed an interest in my body and wanted to take care of it, I started wearing makeup, painting my nails… Slowly, I also lifted my head, looked around at the world, and made eye contact with men, though I still kept them at a safe distance.
Gigolo
Then, suddenly, I began to feel a desire, I wanted to experience what sex truly meant, to see if my body could also heal. My longing for a man surfaced, but so did my fear of what a man had once forced me to do to satisfy him. Randomly picking someone up from the streets was out of the question – far too unsafe!
During therapy, the topic of a “gigolo” came up in conversation. The idea appealed to me, but the step still felt too big. Yet the thought stayed with me and resurfaced regularly. By now, I was fifty, and enjoying sex had made it onto my bucket list.
Six months after that conversation, I scoured the internet, googling “gigolo for abused women,” and found a few links. Among them, I discovered René. His website was tidy, not vulgar – no offensive photos – and his language was gentle and respectful. Honestly, it sparked my curiosity.
Soft, sweet and respectful
All of the stories from other women had a common thread. René appeared to be kind, gentle, respectful, attentive to boundaries, safe, trustworthy, and highly professional. They described him as a man who knew exactly what he was doing, who could weave together eroticism and sex, and who had the art of helping a woman enjoy herself, no matter her past. In short, he seemed like exactly the man I had been looking for.
I shared this with my therapist and, hesitantly, sent him an email in which I introduced myself as briefly as possible. The reply I received struck me — it was so respectful, yet clear and to the point. He outlined the structure of our meeting, explained how it would unfold, what he would do, and what he always has with him. This gave me a sense of safety because I knew what to expect. We continued emailing, and each time his responses were perfectly timed and gentle. So I decided to take the leap and arrange a meeting with him.
Tense
A tense period followed. I became afraid. Afraid of my appearance, of my body’s possible reactions, of his judgment, and of so much more. But each time, he reassured me, told me it was normal, and praised my courage for taking the step.
The closer the meeting came, the more insecure I felt. I had to admit that I was an expert in forced sex but knew nothing about pleasure, what a “normal” man expects or enjoys, or how a woman prepares for such an encounter. Fortunately, I had my therapist, who supported me every step of the way – from what to wear to how much body hair is appropriate. It may sound trivial, but I was feeling my way in the dark; I had never developed this part of myself.
Gallant
We met at a hotel, large enough to ensure anonymity. Waiting for René was unbelievably tense, and when there was a knock on the door, my heart literally skipped a beat. But that feeling didn’t last long. A man entered the room, and I could only describe him as a gallant, radiant gentleman. In no time, a natural and trusting atmosphere developed. We sat together, drinking a cup of coffee, and I could feel his warm, caring attention toward my well-being.
He gently and effortlessly took the lead, which felt safe, and once again explained what we would do, step by step, emphasizing that he would always respect my boundaries. This felt so reassuring; it was like a lifeline. I already knew from the emails what to expect, and being able to literally rely on that now gave our time together the structure I so desperately needed. All I had to do was try to let it happen and pay attention to my own boundaries, speaking up whenever necessary.
Heavenly
followed was wonderful… René managed to take me by the hand and guide me, step by step, toward a sexual experience that felt heavenly. Again and again, he asked, “Is this okay? Are you still with me? Does it feel good?” So caring, so gentle, so enveloping—and for me, so completely different from what I had known as “sex” in my youth.
He has the art of doing this in an incredibly natural, gentle, and warm way, taking the time to acknowledge your emotions and nurture you when needed. Then he softly takes your hand again to guide you to the next step. What this man can do is unbelievably beautiful, on a level I can only describe as exceptional, combined with a level of care that could easily be called therapeutic.
A gift
This is not just a gigolo – it is so much more than that… This is someone who has the gift of helping deeply wounded women rediscover themselves and heal their bodily experiences, because he can place a heavenly experience alongside the hellish memories of abuse.
It is precisely this contrast that allows it to come across as a completely new experience. And yes, it can bring up a lot of grief… But not tears of memories of all those horrific images — tears of disbelief and pain for having been cut off from your own body for so long, from feeling what your body is capable of, from something heavenly that people call sex, which you thought could never exist, and certainly not for someone like me. But it can – indeed, it does!!
Aftercare
And even then, he doesn’t just let you go. He explains what to expect, letting you know that you might have an emotional reaction to the session. He asks if you have support, and follows up with an email the next day to check how you’re doing. In other words, he provides aftercare too!
Thank you, René. I don’t know if you fully realize the power you hold… You gave me my body back, and words cannot express my gratitude. I wish every abused woman could have the chance to meet someone like you, because you can undo the lifelong sentence of feeling no pleasure. And yes, I will definitely book a second session, because I feel I want to enjoy it mentally as well — to let go even more and to explore surrender.
So grateful,
Marieke
Anonymus – Long denial of my sexual self
For a long time, I was unable to give myself sexually, due to a series of disastrous relationships that also involved sexual abuse. Years later, therapy helped me gradually learn to set and explore my boundaries. Over time, the desire to grow sexually began to emerge.
Shut down
I wanted to be able to relax at the touch of a man. Over the years, I had completely shut down. If I wanted to sleep with a nice man, when it came down to it, my body would freeze. Every relationship ultimately fell apart because of this.
“He had no expectations or emotional attachment to me”
Something had to change. At one point, I watched a documentary about women with the same struggles who had benefited from the services of a gigolo. I wondered if it could work for me too. I got in touch with a gigolo who came across as very kind. He had extensive experience with women and with sex. And importantly: no emotional attachment or expectations from me. That was exactly why I thought he might be able to help me.
Immediate click
I reached out to him, and we clicked immediately. Because everything felt so smooth, I dared to bring up my request in one of our next conversations. It seemed like a challenging proposition for him, but he was definitely open to it. Since physical touch was already a problem for me, we agreed that it would start with massage only. I booked him for two hours. If the massage went well, we would take it step by step from there.
Guide
It went amazingly well. I didn’t know what I was experiencing. He guided me through unfamiliar territory – a very skilled guide, because I was able to relax and enjoy the massage. Step by step, it progressed further. With an unexpected bonus: my first orgasm. It wasn’t the goal in itself, but it was incredible. In that moment, I realized that I can truly enjoy sex.
Insecurities
Of course, my situation was unique, but perhaps other women could also benefit from paid sexual experiences. In bed, insecurities often get in the way – worrying whether their thighs or stomach are too big, whether scars are too visible, or whether they’re attractive enough.
Exploring
With paid sexual experiences, the emotional baggage is much lighter, I found. After that, however, I didn’t book the gigolo again, because I got a boyfriend. I learned to truly enjoy and relax with him. Together, we are still exploring and discovering intimacy.
Phil Bosmans – Poem
A little love
can be like a drop of water
that gives a flower the strength
to lift itself again.
A little love
can heal a person!
To heal a person is to help them
find the courage
they had lost.
Phil