Experience: First date with gigolo after trauma
From the age of 12 to 15, I was sexually abused by my grandfather. Those years left deep scars, and I still carry the consequenses today.
Trauma
I didn’t want to be alone, and I longed to share my story with someone. When I was twenty, I met my current husband through a dating site. A year and a half later, we got married. At the time, being with him felt right, but I had no prior experience with relationships or with other men.
Pregnancy
We really wanted to have a baby and started trying to get pregnant. Although sex went reasonably well, we weren’t able to conceive naturally. So I had to start hormone treatments, and we began having sex ‘on command’.
In those moments, there was little room for eroticism or love, our focus was entirely on one thing: getting pregnant.
From the moment our daughter was born, I began to lose myself – partly due to pressure from my husband. Our daughter came first, and I came second. After the birth, I experienced serious physical complications, including a painful infection that required antibiotics and hospitalization.
After that, intimacy between us became rare. My husband seemed jealous of our daughter. I was breastfeeding… and he liked it too. I hated it, but I allowed it. That’s how I kept crossing my own boundaries. He also kept insisting it wasn’t normal to have sex only once a week, saying no man would accept that.
So, I allowed myself to be pushed beyond my limits again and gave in, we tried to make love. But I couldn’t get aroused, and sex was painful. I was more in my head than in my body and couldn’t relax. We realized it was vaginismus.
I started seeing a kinesiologist (a pelvic floor physiotherapist) to work on my pelvic muscles.
In the end, I believe this self-effacement contributed to a severe depression that led to hospitalization. Postnatal depression? I’ve been under the care of a psychologist and psychiatrist since I was fifteen, but it wasn’t until after that hospital stay that I felt I was finally starting to take steps in the right direction, giving myself a voice.
Self-love
It took many years before I finally met people who could help me in the areas of self-love and learning to set boundaries.
That’s how I ended up with a life coach who also gave tantra massages. I wanted to try it, but I was scared — the idea of a strange man massaging my naked body felt intimidating.
Eventually, I made an appointment. After a few introductory conversations, I booked a tantra massage. We’ve been doing this for a while now, and in the meantime, I regularly receive massages. Gradually, I’m getting to know my own body better, and I’ve blossomed a lot because of it!
In addition, I started trauma therapy, and now I’m making more progress than I ever did with a psychologist.
Since sex is no longer physically possible between my husband and me, and he himself also lets a woman massage him (with a happy ending?), I talked to my life coach about maybe booking a gigolo. He gave me the name and contact details of René.
After many messages back and forth, we scheduled an appointment. The date was still far off at the time, but my curiosity got the better of me, and I moved it up to an earlier day.
First date with Rene
January had finally come – my date with René. I was so nervous! I’d booked a hotel room and sent René the room number. The room was chilly, so I turned the heating up all the way and took a hot shower. Then there was a knock, and I opened the door.
René had a coffee, and we sat down, me in the armchair, him in a chair opposite me. We just talked, asked questions, and took things slowly.
He asked if he could hold my hand, and I said yes. Then he asked me to switch chairs so he could stand behind me and gently touch and caress my shoulders. Everything went smoothly, and I felt safe with him.
Next, still fully clothed, he asked me to lie down on the bed. He began to gently caress me over my clothes. Would I dare to lie there in just my lingerie? Yes, that was fine. Very slowly, he started to massage me and touch me with a soft feather. It was wonderful!
I completely relaxed and even felt myself getting aroused. René’s touch was incredible, and when he asked me to take off my lingerie, I had no hesitation, the trust was there, and I felt so at ease.
Massage
René massaged me with plenty of oil and knew exactly how to touch my sensitive spots – it really turned me on, and I’m sure he noticed too.
We tried out different sex toys and one worked better on me than the other. He also taught me about my G-spot…something I had never felt before and to which I did not dare to fully admit.
We tried different sex toys, and some worked better for me than others. He also taught me about my G-spot, something I had never really experienced before and hadn’t fully allowed myself to admit.
After several orgasms and all the lovely cuddling, René went to take a shower. I stayed in bed a little longer. When he dressed again, we said our goodbyes. I then called my life coach to let him know everything was okay and to share how it had gone, after which I fell asleep for about an hour before I had to leave the hotel.
This appointment did me so much good, and I’m already curious – and a little excited – about our next date! I’m really looking forward to it!
René is such a wonderful man. He has all the patience in the world and treats you with the greatest respect!
Love, Cathelijne