Dutch magazine ‘Mijn geheim’
The originally Dutch article, ‘Van die gigolo heb ik meer geleerd dan van mijn psycholoog‘, from the Dutch magazine ‘Mijn geheim’ can be read here. The translated text of the article is written out below. By Marianne ter Mors.
Mariska (43) was sexually abused as a child. As a result, as an adult woman she was never able to enjoy sex. Thanks to the appointments with a gigolo (Gigolo René, ed.), she can enjoy intimacy and love for her own body for the first time in her life.
“I grew up in an unsafe home situation. My father struggled with addictions and my mother was autistic. Not a best match. Ultimately the relationship ended and they divorced. Because things weren’t going well between my mother and me, I went to live with my father. I was about fourteen years old when my father sexually assaulted me for the first time.
Where peers developed their own sexuality, my sexual development was abruptly disrupted by transgressive behavior from someone who should be my safe haven, namely my father. After that first time, he sexually assaulted me several more times. At a certain point my resistance overcame my shame and I reported it.
Because our family was already under the supervision of the youth care agency, I was removed from home soon afterwards. I temporarily stayed in a living and treatment group, and then was placed in a foster family. I felt safe there, but it never really became a ‘home’ for me.
I was over seventeen years old, and as soon as it was possible I started living on my own. After all that had happened, I needed my own place. A place from which I could start building my own life. I ended up with a couple who rented out rooms in their own house. Of course, I was young and extremely vulnerable after all I’d already been through.
The male homeowner of my new place took advantage of that. And this time it wasn’t just a sexual assault, I was raped. Because I already had a history of abuse, this hit me twice as hard. Yet another person who didn’t respect my boundaries. How was I supposed to build a healthy image of men and sexuality, now that I had already had so many bad experiences?”
Therapy
“I got married young. I met my partner when I temporarily stayed in the treatment group, and we got married just after I turned 21. We never had a great sex life, but in the beginning, before I was raped, we did have nice, intimate contact though. But then I was still so young and the relationship was still so early, you were actually still discovering everything very carefully. Everything is new and exciting and there was no real sex life yet. And just as this was starting to get going, I was raped.
After this my whole body locked down. I had so much trauma in my body that I didn’t like being touched. We had sex, but I didn’t enjoy it. I did start working on coming to terms with my abuse past and I attended therapy and did several EMDR sessions. That helped me a lot. The trauma is still there, but it no longer controls my life.”
Touch deprivation
“Because we were unable to conceive, an intensive IVF process followed. We had to have sex at certain times and not have sex at other times. The last vestige of spontaneity disappeared from our sex life.
A few years ago I suffered from major depression. And whenever I’m not feeling well mentally, I crave fries with lots of mayonnaise. During my depression I snacked a lot and gained quite a bit of weight. My husband is disgusted by fat people and has been constantly pushing me to lose weight ever since. ‘Gosh Mariska, would you actually eat that? Are you going to work out a second time this week?’
It drives me crazy and at the same time I’m ashamed of my fuller body. I don’t dare undress in front of my husband and we certainly don’t have sex anymore.
I have overcome my depression and now feel mentally well, which has also revived my need for physical contact. I really suffered from, as they say, touch deprivation. The thought of hiring a man had crossed my mind several times. Yet that is not something you just do.
I was ashamed of my need for intimacy. Since I was raised Christian at home – something that no longer plays a role in my current life – I still carry the norms and values with me into my adult life. For example, sex with a strange man is not done, especially if you are married. Besides, I didn’t even know if I dared to let a stranger touch me. Because of my history of abuse, I still don’t like that..
I decided to put the idea of hiring a gigolo aside for a while and start with an extensive beauty treatment. After all, you will also be touched by a stranger. I really enjoyed that, after which I went one step further by booking a massage. Against all odds, I also enjoyed the massage and was able to really relax, something I normally find difficult. With these two positive experiences under my belt, the voice emerged again.. Should I?
After much hesitation, I took the plunge; I’ll just do it, I’ll hire a gigolo sometime!”
Enriching
“The first time I met the gigolo I was extremely nervous. I had booked a hotel on the other side of the country so that I could be sure not to run into anyone I knew.
Before the gigolo arrived, I took a long shower in my hotel room. I had treated myself to beautiful new lingerie, I took the time to scrub my skin and apply a wonderfully scented body lotion and put on make-up. By giving myself so much love and attention, I found peace. Normally I never wear make-up, showering was always a hasty necessity, and exciting lingerie sets? Oh no, not for me! Now, for the first time in a long time, I felt like a woman.
To get to know each other a bit, the gigolo and I met first in the hotel lobby for a drink. We actually hit it off straight away and after our drinks we went upstairs. The man was so calm, sweet and understanding that I quickly relaxed. And the sex was great. For the first time in my life I could enjoy sex! That was such an enriching experience for me. During therapy I spent hours talking to process my trauma. That felt good, but could not be compared to what this brought me.
Being intimate in a safe setting with someone whose sole purpose is your pleasure, gave me an amazing sexual experience for the first time in my life.
In the end, did my gigolo benefit me more than the bunch of psychologists? You could say that, yes, and that is also the reason why I share my story. There are many women with a history of sexual abuse. An appointment with a gigolo can really help you come closer to yourself. To allow your feelings more and to let the carefully constructed walls crumble step by step. And, once those walls have crumbled, to create a positive sexual experience in return.”
Self-confidence
“In addition to the fact that it is wonderful to enjoy sex, I also learn a lot from the contact. My self-confidence has grown immensely. As a woman you know that your femininity does not depend on the number of kilos indicated on the scale, but knowing is something completely different from experiencing it.
My body can give me so much pleasure that I have naturally come to appreciate it more. What I just told you, that I crave fries when I’m feeling mentally down? I no longer have that feeling. The ‘fries craving’ is gone. It could well be that I have lost some weight as a result, but the great thing is that I am much less focused on that.
I feel like a woman and radiate that. I think my husband notices something about me too. A few months ago he went away for work for a weekend and when he came home, he hugged me for the first time in a long time. I have no idea if it’s because I’m more open to intimacy or if he’s more attracted to me because of my happy vibe, but we both really enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe my dating a gigolo will have even more positive effects!
The only downside to having sex with a gigolo is…it’s a bit addictive. I have booked René three times now and I have another appointment with him in a week. I’m already really looking forward to it.
My husband knows nothing about my dates and I would like to keep it that way. I’m sure we would break up if he knew. We don’t talk about such intimate topics anyway. He also knows that I was sexually abused in my childhood, but we never talk about that either. Whether it’s embarrassment or discomfort, I honestly don’t know. We are both quite introverted and therefore not talkers.
Does he miss sex? I don’t know. We also don’t talk about that. I don’t think I would mind if he looked for sex elsewhere. I just don’t need to know.”
Marriage
“My husband is a wonderful, sweet and stable partner and a great father to our daughter. We just don’t find each other when it comes to sex, which for me is not a reason to end a good relationship.
However, booking a gigolo all the time does cost money, yes. Fortunately, my husband earns well, there is enough money. I told him that I see a psychologist, for which I withdraw seventy euros a week. I save this money to finance my gigolo visits with.
Of course, I can’t see a psychologist until the end of time, so it will end at some point. That’s it. When it stops, I look back on some incredibly fun and enriching encounters that have taken me further than psychological treatment ever would have done.
I do not feel the need to engage in a relationship with another man. Not even if it’s just for sex. A visit to a gigolo is a business transaction that does not involve emotions or feelings, so it never becomes complicated or annoying. I don’t want anyone or anything to come between my husband and me. Our marriage is too dear to me for that.”